HGTV Lies...

As some of you know, I work in the residential design business. I also watch my fair share of HGTV real estate-related reality programming - shows like My First Place, House Hunters, and Property Virgins. I watch them so frequently that I've memorized Sandra Rinomato's entire collection of ass-hugging pant-suits. I've noticed that a lot of the things the prospective home buyers are looking for on these shows do not reflect what I've seen in my practice. I'd like to take a minute and dispel a few of the myths being perpetrated by these shows:

• Double or "Dual" Sinks: Nothing seems to get people more giddy on these shows than having two sinks in their master bathroom. I suspect there may be some collusion going on between HGTV and sink manufacturers to increase sales. The truth is most people I work with nowadays choose to forgo bathroom sinks entirely and rinse their toothbrushes in the toilet.
• The "Open Concept": This is another popular wish-list topper. People seem to want spaces to flow into one another and have as few interior walls as possible. Bullshit. Everyone I talk to is looking for as closed-off and confining a floor plan as possible. If you want to stay ahead of the curve, know that cramped, dark, uninviting spaces without adequate ventilation are super-hot right now.
• Hardwood Floors: Anytime someone encounters carpeting on these shows they invariably ask if there is hardwood floor beneath it. If the answer is no, they tend to weep uncontrollably. I honestly don't know where they get these people. No one wants hardwood where I live. They all want trampoline floors.
• Granite Countertops: I actually saw an episode where a guy spontaneously ejaculated upon seeing granite countertops in one of the kitchens, despite the fact that the home he was touring had no roof and was infested with fruit flies. If you're remodeling your kitchen and you want to be on the cutting edge, mud countertops are the wave of the future. They're inexpensive and don't require constant clean-up.