As those of you who follow these things know, Dick Cheney is back in the news, complaining about the current torture probe, saying that it "offended the hell out of him" that the Obama administration wasn't more grateful to previous administration for keeping the country safe.Allow me to shift gears here for a second. I have stated very clearly, both on this blog and elsewhere, that I advocate non-violent solutions to problems. However, Mr. Cheney has made adhering to this stance challenging. I am going to float an idea that may appear to contradict my pacifist ideals. If you think I should be ashamed of myself, please express your thoughts in the comments. I'm still torn.
What I am proposing is that Dick Cheney voluntarily submit to a good, swift kick in the balls.
You think I'm joking. Hear me out:
- To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Cheney, at his advanced age, has no further intentions of fathering children. Any damage that could be done would pose no serious health risks. I would make sure that any medical professionals he wanted on-hand would be present with buckets of ice, salves, defibrillators, and whatever else was deemed necessary.
- As we all know, the country's economy is in the shitter. If this sort of thing were done in a public venue and offered on some sort of pay-per-view outlet, I think enough people would be interested that the revenue raised could provide every American with health care for years to come. Hell, I would pay $100 to see it, even though I don't really have it to spare. Besides this, the honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder. I can only imagine how much someone would pay for that. The point is, it would be patriotic thing for Mr. Cheney to do. A brief bout of intense pain on his part could potentially help alleviate the pain of millions.
- Despite what he's indicating in the photo, he indeed has two balls and they're huge - a nice, big target.
- According to YouTube and America's Funniest Home Videos, there are few things that bring people as much joy in life as seeing a guy get nailed in the nuts. I don't see this as a partisan thing. I think this is something democrats and republicans - liberals and conservatives - can get behind.
10 comments:
Kicking is OK but how about using one of those wrecking balls that swing fron a crane? If that's excessive maybe just a simple bowling ball or a boxing kangaroo?
Dick Cheney's testicles - now there's a disturbing mental image that'll take years of therapy to erase.
Thanks. I owe you...
I think he should get tied to a chair and have the "Casino Royal" treatment applied to his balls, since he likes torture so much.
Nice of him to create the danger, then rescue you from it.
Cheney is a boob.
AND a ball sac.
"The honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder" ~ I think eBay just had an orgasm.
I think Leonardo DiCaprio would probably have the winning bid for such an honor.
I think he should be subjected to a good torture "probe". Ouch!
Eight years he tourtured me.
We should all get a shot.
It should be a nationally- no, internationally-televised event, preceded by the singing of your national anthem.
I propose a discussion, by a panel of experts, as to why Dick deserves a kicking, and the potential national (and international) ramifications of such an act on the collective psyche.
Finally, in the best traditions of Big Brother, there should be a montage of Dick's 'Best Bits', followed by the main event.
Event to be sponsored by Halliburton and televised by Fox, and co-hosted by O'Reilly, Limbaugh and Hannity, who will then compete in a dance-off to determine who'll be next.
Designated kicker: Jon Stewart
I think that covers everything...
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