New Pork...

Oklahummus...

Arkanslaw...

A Post That Is Less About Politics Than It Is About Testicles...

As those of you who follow these things know, Dick Cheney is back in the news, complaining about the current torture probe, saying that it "offended the hell out of him" that the Obama administration wasn't more grateful to previous administration for keeping the country safe.

Allow me to shift gears here for a second. I have stated very clearly, both on this blog and elsewhere, that I advocate non-violent solutions to problems. However, Mr. Cheney has made adhering to this stance challenging. I am going to float an idea that may appear to contradict my pacifist ideals. If you think I should be ashamed of myself, please express your thoughts in the comments. I'm still torn.

What I am proposing is that Dick Cheney voluntarily submit to a good, swift kick in the balls.

You think I'm joking. Hear me out:

• To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Cheney, at his advanced age, has no further intentions of fathering children. Any damage that could be done would pose no serious health risks. I would make sure that any medical professionals he wanted on-hand would be present with buckets of ice, salves, defibrillators, and whatever else was deemed necessary.
• As we all know, the country's economy is in the shitter. If this sort of thing were done in a public venue and offered on some sort of pay-per-view outlet, I think enough people would be interested that the revenue raised could provide every American with health care for years to come. Hell, I would pay $100 to see it, even though I don't really have it to spare. Besides this, the honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder. I can only imagine how much someone would pay for that. The point is, it would be patriotic thing for Mr. Cheney to do. A brief bout of intense pain on his part could potentially help alleviate the pain of millions.
  
• Despite what he's indicating in the photo, he indeed has two balls and they're huge - a nice, big target.
• According to YouTube and America's Funniest Home Videos, there are few things that bring people as much joy in life as seeing a guy get nailed in the nuts. I don't see this as a partisan thing. I think this is something democrats and republicans - liberals and conservatives - can get behind.

If any of you have a direct line to Mr. Cheney, please have him consider my proposal. I think if he loves this country as much as he says he does, he will understand that it is something he must do for the greater good.

Portrait Of A White-Bread Suburban Chicago High School, ca. 1990...

This morning I was watching the second season of This American Life. If you haven't checked this series out yet, I highly recommend it (HERE is Season One. Both are available for instant viewing.). One of the segments I watched was on high school yearbook pictures. At one point there was a rapid succession of portraits with each student in the same basic pose and with the same basic expression. I love seeing sped-up stuff like that. I started to wonder what my high school class would look like, so I got out my yearbook, scanned my entire class, and began the tedious process of snipping each individual photo. Assembling the slideshow is really easy. I just drag and drop all the photos into the Movie Maker program and it's done. It seemed like the perfect kind of mindless project for a rainy afternoon. I know there are some who will accuse me of having too much time on my hands, and in this case, I plead guilty.

As you will see from the video, there were not many black people in my class (1 out of 477). There were, however, an abundance of mullets. You'll also notice many of the girls were not yet ready to surrender their gigantic '80s hairdos. In fact, it's fun to watch the video and just focus on the hair. Bonus points for those who identify at what point I make my appearance.

The sountrack is Slim Gaillard doing Soony Roony (Song Of Yxabat).

For The Record...

I am stealing this from a link on a post I saw on Crooks & Liars. It seems like forever since I've posted anything remotely political. I blame a lot of it on the utter stupidity of the current discourse taking place right now. The fact that imbecilic charlatans like Glenn Beck continue to thrive (despite the mass exodus of his sponsors) is pitiful beyond words (and believe me, I know a shitload of words).

Anyway, it seems there are republicans who are upset because they think there are people on the other side who are using Ted Kennedy's death to push their liberal agenda. I realize I am just Some Guy who blogs about toilets and posts embarrassing videos of himself, but in case anything should ever happen to me AND in case anyone makes a stink, I, being of (somewhat) sound mind and body, give you complete permission to politicize the fuck out of my death. In fact, I encourage it. If you want to honor me, feel free to fight for causes I hold dear and tell people I told you to. These include, but are not limited to:

• A world where no one feels the need to inflict pain on another, even if the invisible deity they pray to tells them it's a good idea. The Golden Rule, baby. Give it a chance. Unless, of course, you're a sadomasochist. Then do the opposite.
  
• Settling international disputes with games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" (best 3 out of 5) rather than with war or other armed conflict.
• A base level of subsistence for all humankind that includes: food, shelter, clothing (optional), health care, and education.
  
• Publicly-financed elections that aren't bullshit shams and the elimination of the Electoral College.
• The defeat of any law that unjustly benefits the rich over the poor.
• No more of this crap about not letting homosexuals marry each other. And, for that matter, if some guy somewhere wants to marry his pet goat, why the fuck not? That's the kind of crazy world I want to live in!
  
• A complete repeal of all drug prohibitions. They don't fucking work and are counterproductive. Period.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sure there are a bunch more. Feel free to make suggestions in the comments.

The Worst Air Guitarist Ever...

Last night Megan and I were sitting at the dining room table at our respective computers listening to random songs on my iTunes. The classic Van Halen guitar solo Eruption came up, so I busted out the air guitar (which actually looks more like an air ukulele). As I sensed her extreme embarrassment, I knew I had my next video. You'd think air guitar would be hard to be bad at, but I think you'll agree I make being bad at it look quite easy. If you want to see people who have mastered the air guitar, check out this doc.

This Blog Has Gone To Pot...

Richard Kind

Richard Schwag

Things You Never Heard Henrietta Pussycat Say In The Land Of Make-Believe, Part One...

"Meow meow double-ended dildo meow meow."

I Think Clint Eastwood Was Born Grizzled...

He's grizzled in every role, it seems. I just got Gran Torino from Netflix, and it was no exception. Let's take a look:

• Westerns: Yep, grizzled. He was grizzled as Josey Wales (the outlaw), that guy who wasn't forgiven, and that rider with the pale complexion, just to name a few.
• Cop Flicks: They don't come much more grizzled (or dirty) than Harry C.
  
• He played the grizzled friend of an orangutan who likes to fight. Twice.
  
• He was grizzled when he was teaching that horse-faced girl how to box.
  
• That one movie where he is hunting down Meryl Streep with a sawed-off shotgun and he chases her across all those bridges. I never saw it, but I heard he was pretty grizzled in that.

Just once I'd like to see him play a flamboyant, feather boa-wearing interior decorator from Miami who moonlights as a Bette Midler impersonator. If he could pull that off, I'd declare him the best actor in the world, nay, the universe - better than Danza, Patrick Duffy, and the Hoff put together.

Another Apology...

This particular apology is not intended for you, the reader, but rather for Shecky Greene. In the last post, I intimated that Shecky was some sort of hack comic; one capable of telling bad Wang Computer jokes. The truth is I have never seen any of Shecky's material. I only knew he was an old-school comedian with a mildly humorous name. He may have been a hack and he may have been brilliant. I really don't know. It was unfair for me to imply that he was no good when I had no firsthand knowledge. So, Shecky, if you're reading this, I'm very sorry.

I'm curious. Who do you guys consider hack comedians? Who are some comedians that just don't make you laugh?

I Missed My Calling...

I don't have many regrets in life, but one that I shall carry with me to the crematorium is the fact that I didn't get the chance to work in the marketing department for Wang Computers. Hell, if I had been around, that company might not have gone out of business. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but the possibilities, it seems, were limitless. Let's start with the slogans:

• I love my Wang!
• Get your hands on a Wang today!
• My Wang is hard to beat!
• Feel the power of a Wang!
• See what your Wang can do for you!
• I'd be nothing without my Wang!
  

They also could've done a better job appealing to children. Those of you with kids know they love those fuzzy Sesame Street-type monsters: Elmo, Cookie Monster, etc. Why not tap into that section of the marketplace? I would've introduced the "Big Hairy Wang" line of computers, all multi-colored with oversized, kid-friendly keyboards and plush outer-casing. I'll bet a "Big Hairy Wang" would've been on every kid's Christmas list!

They also could've developed a line of ultra-durable laptop computers that were impact-resistent. I'd call them the "Rock Hard Wangs"... Okay, wait. Hold it. Stop. This is ridiculous. This kind of gratuitous humor is beneath me and is not what this blog is all about. I mean, shit. Lame, lazy double-entendres based on a defunct computer company with a silly-sounding name? Is this what I've resorted to? I mean, Christ, this sounds like a bit Shecky Greene might've done back in the seventies in his act in Tahoe (made even less funny by the fact that none of you probably know who the fuck Shecky Greene is). Next thing you know I'm gonna be doing fucking airplane jokes. Or worse, Lewinsky jokes. I'm ashamed. You deserve better.


Still. Wang. it's a funny name, right?

I Changed My Profile Picture Back...

...because I thought it would add a little excitement to my day.

Mission fucking accomplished, let me tell you.

Part 11...

It's been a while since I did one of these, so some of my newer readers may not know what this is all about. You may have noticed a section in my sidebar called "Some Guy's Blog - The Movie". Basically, I take every photo from every post - in order - and set them to music. This one covers posts from November 2008 through April 2009. It features the late, great Jackie Wilson singing "Baby Workout". Enjoy!

Time To Get Serious...

Don't worry. I'm haven't forsaken my bread and butter - dopey videos and other goofy nonsense. After watching the last video for the millionth time (because I crack myself up so much), it has come to my attention that I am in rotten shape. The thing is, staying thin was always something I'd taken for granted. It was never something I had to work very hard at. The picture above is me in front of the Capitol after riding cross-country from San Francisco. It was probably when I was at my most fit. My legs were like granite and my ass was like less-fragrant granite. I didn't have a six-pack, but I didn't have the keg that I have now. All of that muscle has been replaced with flab over the last few years and it's time for me to do something.

Rather than join a gym, I've decided to make up my own little (free) exercise routine. Today was the first day and I think it's something I can stick with. I'm starting out with a 1.5 mile uphill bike ride to the base of the local big-ass sledding hill. Then, I climb the 462 steps to the top where I'm rewarded with a gorgeous panoramic view of the lake and downtown (as well as a functional drinking fountain).
Then I climb down and enjoy a nice, breezy cool-down as I coast most of the way home. As my strength and stamina increases, I figure I can add distance to my bike route and reps to my stair-climbing. When winter comes, I can still do the stair part. I'm also going to cut out beer on weeknights (and substitute heroin). Granted, there is the temptation of a Dairy Queen that I'll have to pass each time, but I was able to fight the urge today, so we'll see. All this combined with the healthy food Megan prepares for us should have me back to fighting strength in no time.

Thanks also to Son of a Thomas (and the second by Dr. Zibbs) for their comments on the last post. That was the last little kick in the pants I needed.

It's Hot As Balls Here!...

Thanks to an unseasonably cool summer in Northern Michigan so far, I haven't had any use for my new ShamWow!.

Until now, that is. Let me tell you, the thing works like a fucking champ! Don't believe me? Maybe this'll convince you:

In Case My Sanity (Or Lack Thereof) Is Still In Doubt...

Mid-August is always a special time of year for me because it's when the Northwest Michigan Fair gets underway. Now, I have never gone to the fair itself, but I LOVE the commercial for it. It's been playing, ad nauseum, for the past few weeks. They've used the same commercial every year since I moved here twelve years ago. In fact, according to this article, it has been running since 1988. It has one of those addictive jingles that gently torments you. I tried to catch the entire thing on video, but I didn't get my camera out quick enough and only caught the tail end of it. It's two guys - one picking a banjo - singing "Goin' to the fair, goin' to the fair, goin' to the Northwest Michigan Fair!" over and over again in a voice reminiscent of an auctioneer. I put a little bit of it at the beginning for reference. The remainder is me, as usually, trying to act like an imbecile to get a cheap laugh. Only you can judge whether I've succeeded. I'm warning you. Seriously. This is beyond dumb. You all know that I'll post pretty much anything - no matter how stupid - and even I debated using this one.
(There is some bad language and you may have to turn up the volume to catch all the subtle humor.)

A Practical Joke Gone Bad...

I know I've been slacking lately on the blog, but I needed a little break. I figured it was high time for another video. Megan had one of those trick ice cream cones and thought she'd have a little fun at my expense. As you can see in the following video, I didn't react quite the way she had anticipated. (May contain non-work/kid-friendly language):



And, as always, the epic, unedited "Making Of" video:

Tell Me What You See...

Someone was telling me there's this thing called a "Horshack Test". Apparently, psychiatrists evaluate patients' responses to ink blots in order to examine their personality characteristics and emotional functioning. I looked it up online and found the example above. All I see when I look at it is an awkward Jewish high school student from Brooklyn circa 1976. Is that healthy?

What Men Want...

While it may be true that some men are turned off by women with hairy armpits, I challenge you to find a heterosexual male who can resist a woman with hairy knee-pits. A thick tuft of hair behind a woman's knees is guaranteed to drive any man crazy.

Just so you know...

My Sesquimillenial Post...

This marks my 1,500th post. If you go back to June 9th, 2006 and check my very first entry, you'll see that this was all that I had ever intended to do. Since I'm not good at goodbyes, I'll just say adios. And thanks.

Is This Post Supposed To Be Funny?...

Not nececelery.