8/27/2007

Swear Box...

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I'm still worn out from a weekend spent working around the house. Friday and Saturday I spent time putting down vinyl floor tiles in the bathroom to replace some old carpeting that was leftover from the previous homeowners. In my opinion, carpeting doesn't belong in the bathroom. All it does is soak up toilet spray and stray toothpaste spittle.

So Megan had found these inexpensive tiles that were actually pretty nice looking. It didn't seem like it'd be a tough job. My bathroom is small. Unfortunately, there are a lot of corners and not everything is quite square. The instructions said that the tile could be cut with scissors. This proved untrue. I should tell you that I can get frustrated when it comes to working with uncooperative building materials. When that happens, the swearing is soon to follow. I like to call things "pieces of shit" or variations thereof, such as:
  • stupid piece of shit
  • shitty-ass bitch piece of shit
  • cocksucking asshole piece of shit
  • fucking stupid-ass garbage piece of shit
  • Crap-assing son of a suck dick fucking ballsack piece of shit
I think you get the idea. I need to do it so that I don't throw things. However, I'm used to being alone in this situation, so I know I freaked Megan out a bit. The truth is, occasionally I'll notice how ridiculous what I just said was and crack up a little.

After that was completed, I constructed a very rudimentary desktop to be used as a computer workspace. Then I helped Megan finish painting the living/dining rooms. It looks fucking boss. Next time you're in the area, stop by and check it out.

*Edited to add: I couldn't find a picture I liked that was relevant to this post, so I just put up a picture of Cooter from "Dukes Of Hazzard".

17 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

My girlfriend knows to leave the house when I do any home improvement thing because I get evil when I work.

Skylers Dad said...

I spent most of the summer on my aging sprinkler system. Every part I would replace would cause a cascade failure of the next part down the line! I brought out my old Navy words, and Kathy had to come outside and tell me to keep it down.

vikkitikkitavi said...

The last time I had to work with uncooperative building materials (trying to drill holes for a curtain rod into solid plaster) I think I exceeded the "Cocksucking motherfucker!" land speed record.

cooper green said...

These are two timely posts. I spent yesterday in our shitty-ass bitch piece of shit attic, sitting on cedar shake splinters and fiberglass batting, replacing the
cocksucking asshole piece of shit dryer vent. The whole time, I was breathing stale dusty air and sweating like a pig, hoping that all those fucking stupid-ass garbage piece of shit wasp nests I kept finding didn't have any actual crap-assing son of a suck dick fucking ballsack piece of shit live wasps in them.

Micgar said...

Ohh man! I used the same stuff for our old townhouse's kitchen! What a job that was! I used pillows under my knees but still I could not walk right for days! The scissor method didn't always work for me either! Invariably, the tile would crack or I would cut it wrong and then have to start over. I can see how you would cuss non-stop!
This summer I worked on installing and redoing some of the drip irrigation we have. That wasn't too bad once the trench was dug.

Beth said...

You can never go wrong with a shot of Cooter.

kirby said...

My mom has stopped asking me to do little fix it jobs around her house for this very same reason.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Just start getting stoned right before doing all home improvement. It really helps your mood, if you don't mind the occasional visit to the ER.

'Bubbles' said...

Chris, Chris, Chris...

Get yourself a $99 Ryobi table saw, and / or a kick-ass box cutter (spring for the more expensive one with the little storage place for new blades).. wear good gloves, buy some extra tiles, take a deep breath and tell yourself,

"I'm smarter than every shitheal that ever dreamed of this project, and I'll make it work."

For me, once I start swearing I've lost the battle.

*I'm so full of shit. You should have heard me swearing at the closet organizers this weekend! I recall me babbling something about stupid white male American engineers... (Mr. Ex was a white male American engineer), and the stuff from IKEA (sweden) was much, much easier to put together. (o.k., o.k., I some displaced anger...)

However, I've noticed that once I loose it, everything just keeps failing.

Oh, and Vikki, I've noticed that when I'm drilling holes (I don't have a hammer drill), and I don't have the upper body strength for getting the job done, I climb higher on the ladder, stand on one leg on the top rung, I risk my life, and scream, "You GD Bitch!". For some reason it makes the drill just press right on through any, any, any material.

Interesting.

Frank Sirmarco said...

It had better be nice! The UCF and I expect a certain level of luxury on our weekend trips...

Frank Sirmarco said...

Oh, and 'son-of-a-cunt' has become a personal favorite when household projects aren't going my way...

Flannery Alden said...

You're a swear master.

Coaster Punchman said...

I too am a frequent patron of the "piece of shit" library with respect to frustration swearing. Furthermore, I too freak out certain companions (both human and animal) with my frustration screaming. It is best to do it alone, but it doesn't always work out that way. I'm grateful I don't have kids to behave like this in front of.

Grant Miller said...

Good choice on the cooter picture.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Jesus, I recognized it as Cooter from the moment I saw it. I'm a stupid piece of shit.

BTW, I cuss in the exact same way anytime I'm forced to work on a Windows machine.

Madam Z said...

Golly gee, Chris. Your accelerating versions of "pieces of shit" amused me more than anything else I've read today. You are sooooo creative!