8/24/2007

I Never Get Awards...

Why is that? I'm always seeing fellow bloggers bestow awards on each other. (I'm not going to count the 1/423 of an award Splotchy gave me once.) Some awards are given for being a great thinker. Others are for being exceptionally funny or for writing great political analyses.

Shit! There's my answer! My blog exhibits none of these qualities.

I figure the only way I'm gonna get an award is if I make one up and give it to myself. Sure, this is only slightly less pathetic than when they gave all the kids a trophy in t-ball (even the sucky ones) so no one would feel bad, but hell, when has the threat of appearing pathetic stopped me before?

So I had to come up with an award that I might actually win. I guess the one area I excel in is toilet and scatological humor. So, it is with great pleasure that I proclaim myself the winner of the first ever "Some Guy's Golden Toilet Award". Yeah, I know the fuckin' thing isn't gold. Relax.

I will be sharing this honor anytime I come across any well-done poop jokes, fart jokes, or any other post that seeks to glorify the crapper in any way. If you feel you have material that deserves consideration, please send a five-page essay explaining why along with a $25 application fee. Please allow 10-12 weeks for a response.

12 comments:

Elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grant Miller said...

I believe you dominated the 2006 Drysdale Awards at Grant Miller Media.

Flannery Alden said...

That's what I was thinking. Didn't you get a Drysdale Award for the most knitting stories on your blog?

Skylers Dad said...

How much do I have to send you to get me one of those sweet-ass toilets?

Chris said...

Grant & Flann- I checked. Although I was nominated for every award (I nominated myself, if you recall) I only won two. One was for the blog with the most pictures of babies (I ran unopposed) and a lifetime achievement award which I think was awarded out of pity.

S.D.- How much you got?

Manx said...

Right on. Who needs awards when we can make them ourselves.

In fact, the only award that should be given out is the "best looking award" award.

I think you have a shot.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm hereby award you the "Guy with the Cutest Girlfriend in Michigan Award." Now quit whining.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

All of us who worried that Megan might tame you are sleeping better tonight.

Big Orange said...

Christ, now I've got to PAY for a goddamned award AND think of a funny poop joke?? with everything ELSE goin' on 'round here lately?

shit.

(does that count?)

Dale said...

Where would you keep such an award? In the crapper?

GETkristiLOVE said...

You should also get an award for recommending the best documentaries. I loved In America - was that you? Also, I thought I got I Like Killing Flies but Netflix sent me the wrong DVD in the envelope so I had to requeue it. Also, Hot Fuzz is up next.

Chris said...

GKL- I don't think I wrote anything about "In America", but I just saw it recently, too. It's a pretty damn good movie.