8/28/2007

Keeping Tabs On Hollywood...

In light of the recent success of the Transformers movie, Hollywood has discovered a new genre to exploit and eventually run into the ground - movies about old toys.

Shocking, I know.

I've heard that a G.I. Joe movie is in the works. There are also rumors of a movie based on the video game "Joust". In order to help speed up this process, I'm gonna get a few ideas out on the table so that they can get this trend out of their systems. Here are my proposals:


-Sit & Spin!
I figure this one will follow the lead of great "last to best", overcoming the odds-type films like Rocky and Karate Kid. There is a competition looming to see who can complete the most Sit & Spin revolutions in ten minutes. The underdog will be played by some skinny dork from the poor side of town (Jon Heder?) who gets inspiration from his grizzled coach (played by Samuel L. Jackson). His nemesis will be some rich asshole who normally wins the competition every year (Orlando Bloom?). In the end, the skinny kid wins (obviously), he hooks up with the rich kid's hot ex-girlfriend (Jessica Alba?) and the final shot is Samuel L. giving an approving wink to signify a job well done.


-My Dinner With Teddy Ruxpin
While 1981's "My Dinner With Andre" captivated audiences with its simplicity and rich dialogue, it was a touch too highbrow for wide audiences. "My Dinner With Teddy Ruxpin" will be far more family-friendly, something for adults and kids alike. It will feature Wallace Shawn reprising his role opposite Teddy (in the Andre role) as they delve into a wide range of subjects such as happy rainbows, hugs, and woodland creatures over their meal in a French restaurant. The voice of Teddy will be performed by Samuel L. Jackson. Bring your Kleenex.


-Classic Football
This film is based on the old Mattel handheld game. If you remember, the game involved moving a LED blip across a black screen. Somehow, this was supposed to simulate the excitement of an actual football game. For this one, I'm seeing a lot of darkness, like in a Michael Mann film. Something futuristic. Football is being played by cyborgs controlled by greedy defense contractors. A rag-tag bunch of old football pros (led by, you guessed it, Samuel L. Jackson!) want to show that humans can still play football better than the cyborgs, so they challenge them to a monumental battle between man and machine. The cyborgs eventually win and Samuel L. curses a lot. This one has summer blockbuster written all over it.

18 comments:

Skylers Dad said...

Sam doin the voice of Teddy? This would be real fun!

You will know my rainbow when you see it, it is the one with bad muther-fucker on it!!

Jen said...

-My Dinner With Teddy Ruxpin
sounds SPECTACULAR!!

Teri said...

you're high, aren't you?

Teri said...

can we tell specific people to go "sit and spin"?

pleeeeeeesssssssseeeeeeee?

Frank Sirmarco said...

All of these ideas have been immediately green-lit by The Sirmarco Letters Network (SLN).

Splotchy said...

Seriously, Joust The Movie?

The last f*cking half hour of that movie would be the goddamn pterodactyl annoying the hell out of everyone.

Splotchy said...

Oh, and I would go see the handheld electronic football adaption.

IN IMAX IF POSSIBLE

DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT

Flannery Alden said...

What's with the Orlando Bloom hate?

Chris said...

Flann- No hate intended. He just seems like someone who could carry the torch passed by William Zabka. It anything it was a compliment on his fine acting ability.

Micgar said...

Hey1 Why didn't I think of these? Damn that was entertaining! I can't wait until these come out.

Tenacious S said...

Will there be vomiting in the Sit and Spin movie?

Amy said...

Great post. Like everyone else, I like the Teddy Ruxpin movie the best.

I always thought it would be HILARIOUS to put a heavy metal tape in Teddy Ruxpin.

Big Orange said...

you do realize you should move quick and get intellectual copyright protection on this post-- someone in Hollyweed is gonna snatch these iders up and use 'em and make a fuckload of $$$ and you ain't a-gonna get shit for having thought o' it first.

Just you wait n' see!!

Oh, what can you do with Glowworm??

GETkristiLOVE said...

That's some funny shit. I love the game of Joust and one of the best costumes I ever saw (and you know how picky I am) was a guy in college that was a Jouster. He was dressed just like one of them on the top half, then his legs were sticking out at the bottom under the feathered body, dressed like the ostrich, and he had a javelin, or whatever you call it.

Doc said...

If you are looking for rough script submissions for any of these fine films, I'm sure Flannery and I could punch one up in a day or two. Get back to me.

Doc

vikkitikkitavi said...

Chris, wicked funny post.

But I do feel obligated to point out that your obsession with Samuel L. Jackson has blinded you to the more obvious choice for the voice of Teddy: Morgan Freeman.

gizmorox said...

Teddy Ruxpin used to scare the hell out of me. Maybe he can star in horror movies al la Child's Play.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Brilliant!