8/02/2006

Hollywood Laziness, Part 2: Blossom...


I'm trying to load up on posts so that you vultures will have stuff to chew on while I'm away this weekend. This is another stab at a proposal for a TV show adaptation for the big screen (See my "Golden Girls" post below). Again, not safe for small children and uptight people.

Seeing as this show was often advertised with the tagline "Tonight, on a very special "Blossom" that every adult should watch with their children", I think it only fitting that the film adaptation be a hard hitting drama, perhaps along the lines of a movie like "Thirteen", rather than the light comedies I've suggested thus far. As we know, besides being funky, spunky, and fashion forward, Blossom (as played by Mayim Bialik), was not exactly a typical Hollywood beauty. Let's face it, she looked like a pubescent female version of Jimmy Durante. In order to compensate for her physical shortcomings (not to mention having to live in the shadow of resident pie-face Joey Lawrence - Whoa!) Blossom decides to put her go-getter ambition into action. She convinces herself that with enough gumption and stick-to-it-tiveness she can train herself in the art of radical reconstructive surgery. You see, the Russo household is by no means wealthy. There is no way she could afford this costly procedure by conventional means. Blossom's dad, Nick, is a single dad trying to raise his family on a jazz musician's wages while trying to secretly support an out of control latex fetish. Not to mention all the money wasted on Joey's addiction to scratch-and-sniff stickers (he likes the Root Beer one the best!). Blossom is not one to throw in the towel so easy, however. When she wants something, she goes for it! So Blossom feverishly tries to learn all she can about anatomy, scalpel control, and so forth (I see an "Eye Of The Tiger"- work your ass off-style montage here). Seeing as she is new to this and is somewhat apprehensive, besides not wanting to fuck up her mug any more than it already is, she decides it might be smart to practice on someone first. Enter Six, Blossom's much cuter (but much dumber) friend. After Blossom explains her plan, an eager Six, always looking to help her friend agrees, saying, "Cool, Blossom! I've always wanted my mouth to be on the side of my face!" As they prepare the surgical instruments, Joey, who is wearing Batman Underoos, walks into the room and over to an open second-story window, shouts "Vive La France!" and jumps out. The two girls, aware that sometimes Joey forgets about things like gravity, don't seem to pay him any mind and continue on. Well, as you can guess, Blossom turns Six's face into a bloody mess. She now has a jagged, gaping hole through her left cheek. A few days pass, but Blossom is undeterred. She still thinks she can perform her own surgery. The family assembles for an intervention. Nick will be the lead and will be supported by Joey, who is now in a Stephen Hawking-type wheelchair, and Six, whose head is all bandaged and whose mouth is packed with gauze (finally shutting her up for once!). They sit her down and Nick starts to explain how they are all worried about her. Joey just keeps typing in "Whoa" on his electronic voice simulator. Six mumbles "Gmbph frud wiefevvnuf glux." Blossom breaks down. She realizes all the pain she is causing. In the meantime, Anthony, Blossom's long lost coke-head brother walks into the house without a stitch on and a broom handle sticking out his ass whistling "Yankee Doodle", then leaves. No explanation is given. At any rate, Blossom agrees she needs help. They sign her up for a twelve step program at the local community center, but on the way to her first meeting she gets hit by a bus. The End.

2 comments:

Flannery Alden said...

Did you dream this? It has a dream-like quality.

Anyway, I like the ending.

Chris said...

Nope. This is nothing more than a product of an overactive imagination. I must give some credit to the dark poetry of Bill Hicks and the movie "The Aristocrats" for inspiration.