6/23/2008

A Few Thoughts On Nose-Picking...

Some people will tell you that nose-picking is gross. They will tell you it is unsanitary. They may even make you feel ashamed for doing it. You know what?

At some point, these people have picked their nose.

Face it, no matter what some may say, there are some boogs that just aren't gonna dislodge without some digital assistance. There are some that, despite your best efforts with a sharp kleenex blast, will cling to your inner nostril for dear life. The important thing is to stay calm and remember a few things:

1. For God's sake, whatever you do, DO NOT pick your nose with your pinky. You will look like a complete asshole, or at least a bigger asshole than you already are.


2. You can try the technique being practiced HERE by Brooke Shields. It can be likened to squeezing a tube of toothpaste from the bottom in order to force the remainder of it out the opening. You place the thumb and index finger on either side of the nose and carefully but firmly pull down, hopefully forcing any boogage out without penetrating the nostril. It rarely works and may lead to unwanted suspicion of cocaine use.

I recommend a variation whereby you place the index finger on the side of the nostril and drag the thumb along the base while gently pulling back the nostril edge. If you are smooth about it, it will appear that you are just innocently scratching your nose. Actually, if you are lucky, you just might snag the edge of a clinger in the process and be able yank out a big one without attracting a lot of attention. Again, any penetration should be undetectable. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work at first. Practice in your car until you get the hang of it.


There will be times when a full-fingered stab is the only solution. Do not feel guilty. It doesn't make you a bad person. Hell, even some of the most respected members of society have to resort to it from time to time.

11 comments:

Falwless said...

Beautiful. I printed this entry, folded it up and will keep it in my pocket. Wise words to live by. When I am old I will pass it on to future generations. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Also, this is a fond reminder of this post over at Jason Mulgrew's blog, which I highly recommend. Had me guffawing heartily.

SkylersDad said...

I can now die a happy man thanks to seeing a blog entry that has finally used the word "boogage ".

Micgar said...

Is that last photo "shopped"? Talk about digging for gold!

Writeprocrastinator said...

Damn if Bush doesn't look as boorish and effete as thinks everyone else is.

Dr. Zaius said...

I see that you are digging for gold among the many possible journalism topics that are available.

Teri said...

as a person with allergies I always have to clean out the nose but I try to do it in private.

Beautiful post as always.

teamslinger said...

i was picking my nase as I read this , and I use the full stab method.

Dr Zibbs said...

I've just picked you to add to my blogroll. Use your new status wisely.

BeckEye said...

As George Costanza hypothesized, even Moses was a picker.

Distributorcap said...

do you think the queen fed her booger to george and laura when he was in london

Keeper Of All Things said...

Don't forget to let everyone know that somtimes your gonna have to use all the technique....and still end up with a big'un hanging out LOL