11/12/2008

Addiction...

Addictions can be hell. They can ruin lives, destroy families, and eventually lead to death, or at the very least some very serious health problems. It was recently revealed that star of stage and screen Salma Hayek is battling an addiction to breastfeeding. The grip has become so powerful, she has taken to going up to complete strangers on the street and offering a suckle just to get her "fix". Hell, she cornered me in the grocery store this afternoon. The woman is insatiable!

Now, it's clear that she will not be able to quit cold turkey. What I am suggesting is a detox program that consists of a weaning process in which volunteers will gradually "de-lactify" Ms. Hayek over a number of months. The only problem now is finding people who care enough about her well-being and will be able to devote a substantial amount of time to this endeavor. Ladies, this includes you (especially you). I will be videotaping the entire process so that it can be used as a treatment guide for future addicts. Interested parties should contact me ASAP so that we can help this poor woman. Time is of the essence, folks!

20 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Sign me up Chris, because like you, I am a "giver".

Besides, I need some more foam on my Latte.

~E said...

ooh ooh new girl crush! Is it wrong that I saw the title...saw the pic...and all i could think of was "boobies"!!!!

Dr Zibbs said...

At first I thought you were being immature but after reading it again, and seeing there will be filming, I agree with you. I think if some of the other ladies actually swing their breast against her breasts, the impact may in some way "delactify" her bosom. This may sound odd but I swear I just read it in a medical journal.

Poobomber said...

I can milk her, I grew up on a farm.

Miss Alex said...

I'm into the female species... I get shotgun.

Madam Z said...

I think her problem is that she knows that once she stops breastfeeding, her boobs will shrink. I kept nursing my kids until the school principal intervened.

Gwen said...

If the kid can ask for it, you need to stop.

Cap'n Ergo "XL" Jinglebollocks said...

it takes a strong person to admit such an addiction, and a STRONGER person to stand up alongside her and say she needs help an' y'all are gonna make sho' she gets it!

Kudos, bro.

Bubs said...

Who says that American's aren't a charitable bunch? keep up the good work, man!

raf said...

Aahem..I'm quite addicted as well..but I don't go around offering my tits..just as long my 14 month old daughter will want it...you can't immagine how relaxing is breastfeeding..if man could do it..they will have someone attached all the time!(..please avoid expected comment about wishing to have someone attached somewhere else all the time..);)

Cora said...

I'm amazed the baby hasn't been suffocated by those things!!

Cormac Brown said...

First, my computer hates you for tricking me into clicking anything Fox News posts. Second, I thought the milk glands didn't work when the silic...nevermind.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm in.

Anonymous said...

I would like to come clean and announce that I too am addicted to breast feeding.

I find myself very often (sniff) walking up to(sniff)unfamiliar breast just wanting to suckle.

Felisa said...

It's like a bad accident. I can't look away...
....and I'm a heterosexual female.
I'm glad someone cares enough to try to help her.

SouthernBelle said...

The word de-lactifying made me picture a de-venoming scene, only instead of holding the snake's mouth against the edge of the specimen jar... well, you get the idea.

Some Guy said...

Welcome, Southernbelle! That's a good way to look at it, only a lot less nerve-wracking.

Dad E said...

Thank you for the image I can't get out of my mind.

Micgar said...

I want to help-a lot! Please sign me up immediately for this delactification program! Oh, I heard that Vida Guerra is having a similar "problem." She's battling "spankanatia" a very serious addiction to getting that big round bottom of hers spanked. Should I sign you up for her spank therapy?

Dave said...

I'm sorry. Was there a post attached to this? Because I couldn't take my eyes off the picture.