If You Carve It, They Will Win...

Yes We Carve

Happy Halloweener...

From the staff at Some Guy's Blog.

As I like to say to the trick-or-treaters:
"You can take one."
(Kid grabs a handful of candy.)
"I said ONE, goddammit!"

Please Don't Let It End!...

I wish this campaign cycle could continue indefinitely. I fucking love it. I live on talking points. I put fucking barbecue sauce on 'em and eat the fuckin' things! I want more! I'm insatiable! More Joe The Plumber! More Saks Fifth Avenue shopping sprees! You fuckin' betcha! More "Spread the wealth"! I think we should ditch this whole "voting" business. Fuck it. It requires WAY too much counting. I say we do it like in those contests where a bunch of schmucks try to win a new car by seeing who can keep their hand on it the longest. Make it an endurance contest. Whoever can campaign the longest without either collapsing or going batshit insane from saying the same shit over and over wins. Survival of the fittest, baby!

Casting...

I've watched a shitload of TV in my day, but I have yet
to see a show that utilizes the potential chemistry of

Wilford Brimley
and

Richard Simmons

The only things missing are:

1. a title
2. a setting
3. a third character

Any suggestions? Come on. You people always talk about how funny you are. Prove it. Also, be aware that Mr. Brimley has diabetes so it probably shouldn't be a show about glucose or insulin or anything like that. It might be a painful reminder for him.

I'b Sick...

And I've already used every drippy-snot picture I could find on other posts. What I really need is one of these things. Could you imagine me walking around the supermarket wearing this? I could.

Megan is taking care of me. Later on we're going to try an experiment that involves waterboarding, only with orange juice and chicken soup. I'll let you know if it works.

My Contribution To The Big Wicked Online Pageant...

One of my longest-time blog pals, Beth, has asked anyone interested to post a picture or two of ourselves as children in our Halloween costumes. I was able to find two. I'm not sure what year they're from:

In this one, I am the Tin Man from "The Wizard Of Oz". The costume consisted of a silvery posterboard top (with heart) and a cone hat. From the look on my face, I either had a case of the shits or I wished I was going as Evel Knievel instead. And who else hated those plastic pumpkin candy buckets? As I got older and more savvy, I switched to a pillowcase which had loads more candy-carrying capacity.

Here I'm a pirate. A pretty lazy costume if you ask me. If it weren't for the bandana and the eye patch, I'd look like I did every other day (The mustache was real. I was able to grow facial hair at an early age).

Other entries can be found HERE.

Just Call Him "Poo Pants"...

My brother sent me this delightful tale told by Hall Of Famer George Brett. I thought it was appropriate for this blog. The sound is a little bad at the beginning, but it gets better. As my brother noted in his e-mail, perhaps it WASN'T pine tar after all.

Guilty!...

Weasel-fuck Senator Ted Stevens (R) of Alaska was convicted
of all counts at his corruption trial today.
This is the "Internet=Series of Tubes" guy.

Normally I wouldn't derive so much pleasure from another's
misfortune, but I really don't like this guy.

Thanks for handing the Dems your Senate seat, you corrupt prick!

The Joy Of Google Reader...

I'd like to thank blog-pal Falwless for letting me know about this wonderful godsend. Now, rather than checking every damn blog on my roll for new material, I can sit back while Google Reader does it for me. As a result, I have more time to read stuff by other bloggers I had been meaning to check out. I rarely use my blogroll anymore and thus have not updated it for a long time. I did, however, want to acknowledge the blogs I have been reading that aren't listed. There are some good ones. If yours is not listed and you think I'd like it, leave me a note. A lot of these will be familiar to many of you:

• All These Wonderful Things (a documentary blog)
• Doc It Out (another documentary blog)
• Extraneous Kickassery
• Film Junk (a film blog)
• WhiskeyMarie
• Alice In Average-Land
• Anonymous
• Constant Winter
• Everything I Like Causes Cancer
• Fire That Agency!
• Fonzie Socks
• Holy Crappers
• Impeachment And Other Dreams
• International House Of Blogcakes
• Just A Moment Of Miscellany
• KimDeC
• Leonesse
• Psychotic Secretary
• Rocket Radio
• Save Your Generation
• Sexy People
• Slightly Mordant
• Special K
• Suzel's Sass
• The Imaginary Review
• Untitled Blogger Project

My Dream...

It is my dream to one day own the most renowned truck of all, Bigfoot. That way I would never have to change lanes or brake ever again - two things that, quite frankly, have become tiresome. I would just drive right over traffic that was in front of me. It's not like people would be mad or anything. Let's face it, Bigfoot is an icon. It is the Hulk Hogan of monster trucks. People would be honored that their car was crushed by the famous Bigfoot. They'd smile and wave from their compressed windows and shout, "God bless you, Bigfoot, for all that you do!"

No Post For Today...

I'm not going to be able to post anything today.
I'm in Chicago this weekend and I'm staying with someone
who doesn't have an internet connection.
So, in lieu of this, I think I might go see the movie "W."
while Megan goes to Ikea.
Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Battle-Ready...

Sorry I'm so late with my daily post.
I've been busy sharpening my bayonet
for the impending War on Christmas.

I have a hunch the first shots
will be fired any day now.

Helpful Tip For Surviving The Current Economic Downturn...

Don't think of it as cat food.

Think of it as "meat cereal".
It makes it easier to swallow.

Part 8...

Don't worry. I'm almost done with these:



"Country Boy" by Johnny Cash

I Haven't Done One Of These In A Long Time...

This comes via my friend, Poobomber (love that name!). A lot of this is stuff I've discussed from time to time, but it's always good to keep my newer readers up-to-date.

1. Clothes: I would have made a good communist. I wear a lot of drab clothing. The last thing I want is to look flashy. Today is no exception. I have on brown shoes, jeans, white crew socks, boxers, and a white t-shirt under a plaid flannel shirt. This is standard once it's too cold to wear shorts.
   
2. Furniture: If I had my way, I'd own nothing but rustic furniture (things made out of sticks and bark). The stuff I have is either stuff Megan had, stuff people gave me after they were sick of it, or stuff I made myself.
   
3. Sweet: I love most sweets, especially things with chocolate. You could cover cat turds in chocolate and I'd probably eat them.
   
4. City: I've been to many big cities, both domestic and foreign, and I still love Chicago the best. It feels like home. I might put Paris at #2. I know people have a problem with France, but that is one cool city.
   
5. Drink: I fucking love lemonade. There's this organic shit that I get that's fantastic. As far as alcohol, I mostly drink Canadian beer. Sometimes I'll have a G & T. I also like sangria occasionally.
   
6. Music: Go HERE.
   
7. TV Series: For me, The Sopranos is still hands-down the best. Right now the series I try the hardest not to miss is The Office.
   
8. Film: Duh. Most documentaries. I can't watch enough of them.
   
9. Workout: I ski in the winter. Thankfully, I have a small appetite and a high metabolism. Otherwise I'd be one of those people who needs to be airlifted off of their couch.
   
10. Pastries: Donuts. I also really like pain au chocolat.
    
11. Coffee: I've never had coffee on its own. Ever.

Go ahead and answer if you like!

Some Funny Shit That's On Someone Else's Blog...

Go HERE for more.

Everyone Relax!...

Seriously, everyone needs to calm the fuck down. I know you're all worried about Madonna and her split from that Guy over there in England. I know you want to reach out to her in her time of need and give her a shoulder to cry on - a backrub perhaps. What I'm trying to tell you is that everything is going to be okay. Gwyneth Paltrow is on the case, y'all. She is going to be Madonna's safe harbor during this storm. She's gonna be her rock. Before you know it they'll be lying in bed, eating Haagen-Dazs, laughing, and lamenting what jerks men can be.
And then there will be a lull in the conversation.
And then a shared glance that lasts a little too long.
And then their legs will accidentally touch.
And then Madonna will ask Gwyneth if she's ever thought about kissing a girl.
And, well, you can fill in the rest...

Whatever You Do...

Do NOT make Sarah Palin angry.
Things could get ugly.

*- This message brought to you by: Citizens Living In "Pro-America" Parts Of The Country Who Have Had About Enough Of Her Stupid, Pathetic Bullshit (CLIPAPOTCWHHAEOHSPB for short).

I've Been Benching...

I'll let the results speak for themselves.

Part Seven...

More fun...



I finally got to use a TMBG song, "Destination Moon".

Documentary Film Of The Day: Standard Operating Procedure...

Errol Morris is one of my all-time favorite documentary filmmakers. Those of you who follow my recommendations should really consider adding his entire catalog to your Netflix queues. He is one of the best. "Standard Operating Procedure" deals with the now infamous photos taken at Abu Ghraib. It is about how photographs can be decieving, especially ones as repulsive as these, when they are presented without necessary context. The movie features interviews with most of the people involved and really takes you inside the prison and the mindset at the time. I don't think the film makes excuses for what took place, but it does explain the extreme conditions under which they occured. It was a film that grabbed me from the opening and never let go. There are also some very artful and clever graphics that help tell the story. Even though it is a difficult film to watch at times, I consider it a must-see.

EDITED TO ADD: I just watched this for the second time, this time with the commentary track on. The commentary (which is excellent) continued into the closing credits. I wasn't really paying much attention until I noticed my brother's name listed. I knew he had worked with Errol Morris on commercials, but didn't know he had worked on this particular film. I called him to confirm it was him. He hadn't seen it yet and was unaware that he was in the credits.

Netflix link HERE.

Dude, Enough With The Toilet Posts Already!...

As a rule I like to try to take my morning poop before I take a shower. It makes more hygienic sense. However, there are occasions where, immediately following my shower, I have the urge to go again. Despite my best efforts, I can never quite adequately dry my ass before it makes contact with the seat. This to me is one of the most uncomfortable sensations there is - wet ass against a toilet seat. I have no idea why I decided to share this. I was delinquent in posting anything yesterday and was desperate for content.

Drunk Blogging...

I say it's high fucking time we had a president with some goddamn facial hair. We haven't had a fucking president with facial hair since fucking TAFT, y'all! Jesus! One of these motherfuckers better grow a 'stache, a goat, something! Come on!

I just got back from the local Wensday (fuck the d) night beer tasting. It was Belgian beer night and all those beers have some serious alcohol content in 'em. I'm fired up about this shit!

Taft. That dude was huge.

Part Six...

They just keep on coming!




I went with something a little more hardcore.
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - What's At Stake

Rerun...

Something tells me I'm not the first person who's done a post about
"Future Sex Offenders" like the one below this one.
My apologies if it's a rerun for any of you.

To be honest, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Rerun.

Future Sex Offenders...

*Bonus Picture* (Totally not safe for work. Includes female naughty bits. But it's not gross. I promise.) I found THIS PIC of an excellent tattoo during one of my Google image searches. Some of you pervs may have seen it already, but I hadn't.

Part Five...

The next one:



Ray Charles - Mess Around

Sand The Floor...

Sorry about my absence from the blogworld the last few days. Megan and I have been busy sanding hardwood floors at our house. The work was a pain in the ass and very grueling, but it paid off when I kicked all the Kobra Kai's asses in the big karate tournament. A big shout-out to Mr. Miyagi for all his assistance!

Apparently, This Isn't Some Fucked-Up Parody...

If you want to donate to this lunatic, here's his website.

He really seems hung up on the whole two iron legs deal.
This link came from a friend who got it
from some wingnut idiot he knows.

There's just too much here to comment on...

Part Four...

Here is part 4 of my blog movie. I assume everyone knows what I'm doing by now, but in case you don't, go HERE.




Tune: "Rock The Joint" by Reverend Horton Heat

An Endorsement...

I can't tell you how many times I've been out and about wearing my ass-less chaps when someone has come up to me and asked, "Hey, Chappy, how do you keep your butt so smooth and supple?" It always gets me a little excited because I know they're about to be introduced to a revolutionary product that will change their life and their ass forever. It's called Anti Monkey Butt and it's available now. Just apply Anti Monkey Butt every half hour and kiss your ass-rot goodbye! Look for the trusted psychotic monkey on the label or ask for it by name.

Anti Monkey Butt. Doesn't your ass deserve the very best?

Sorry, Splotchy...

...but I had to remove the Dubya picture from my sidebar.
It was driving me fucking bananas.

I Know You Guys Are Probably Sick Of These...

...but, really, who doesn't love a rapid succession of pictures set to music? In this case I used "You're So Damn Hot" by OK Go.

No Rummy Rumsfield pictures in this one, but I can promise a lot of cleavage.

There are also six prominent bloggers scattered throughout the video (not including yours truly). See if you can identify them:



In case you don't know what this is all about:
Part 1
Part 2

The Award For Best Bad Polish Accent In A Movie Goes To...

Gene Hackman as Maj. Gen. Stanislaw F. Sosabowski
in the 1977 epic "A Bridge Too Far".

The McCain Campaign Negated My Existence...

This weekend I heard some McCain flunkie on TV tell me that, "Everyone knows John McCain is a maverick." Everyone. Not just Americans. Not just republicans. Everyone. That means that every sentient being on this planet, no matter how remote their Amazon village may be, knows that John McCain=maverick.

Here's the thing. I feel like I can safely say that I don't know this. I've heard people tell me he is, but I don't know it to be true. In fact, I have heard a lot of compelling evidence to the contrary. Yet, according to the McCain equation, I cannot exist. I'm like the square root of -1. They have effectively declared me part of the null set.

I gotta tell you, though. The null set isn't all that bad. It's quiet. Not a lot of traffic. People don't fuck with you. It beats the pants off the jet set.

Repackaged Testicle Humor...

As some of you tactfully suggested in the comments section, my last post was nothing but a retread of testicle humor that's already been thoroughly explored. It's the classic "describe edible balls, but make it sound like you're talking about testicular balls in order to get a cheap laugh"-gag. It's been done far better by the likes of Alec "Schweaty" Baldwin on SNL and Chef on "South Park". I'd like to think if it weren't for the fact that I had been so distracted by the deliciousness of the most savory, succulent fried testicles I'd ever had, I would have noticed this egregious error. I apologize for this blatant hackery. My readers deserve much better.

Things Are Funnier Without Context...

My question to Megan a few seconds ago:

"So, have you ever had fried balls before?"

The following sentences could also be heard during dinner:

"I have three balls!"

"These are some delicious balls."

"I woulda never thought putting balls in my mouth
could be such a pleasant experience!"

Documentary Film Of The Day: Bigger, Stronger, Faster...

"Bigger, Stronger, Faster" by filmmaker Chris Bell takes a look at anabolic steroids in a way I've never seen before. Most of what we know about steroids comes from Senate hearings or preachy after-school specials starring Ben Affleck. This movie digs into the reasons why people do steroids beyond the performance-enhancing aspect. The filmmaker, who is the middle-child of three brothers, is the only one of the three that decided against using steroids. His brothers both are unapologetic about their use. I learned a lot of stuff I didn't know, especially in terms of the studies (or lack thereof) of the impact of long-term steroid use. It's a very interesting movie and shows how documentary film is so effective when it comes to discussing complex issues.

Netflix link HERE!

I'm A Big Nerd...

I did another one of these. It's apparent I had some major issues with Rummy Rumsfield in late '06. All the Bears stuff is from the season they went to the Super Bowl and lost. I decided to stick with Squirrel Nut Zippers and the song "Lover's Lane" for the music. They have a bounciness that is nice and there was one that was about the same length. I'll try to mix things up a little on the next one. This one finishes out the posts from 2006:

Speaking Of Blogger Movies...

Check it out!
Falwless of "Lot's Better Then Your Blog" is going Hollywood!
I can't believe she was able to keep this a secret from us.

Some Guy's Blog - The Movie...

I know what you're thinking. You can't turn a blog into a movie! It'll never work! You're a fool and an idiot and you smell!

What I did was grabbed all the photos I used for posts during the first four months of the blog, in order, and plunked them into the Windows Movie Maker. Then I found a snappy song in my iTunes that was the same length, in this case "Got My Own Thing Now" by Squirrel Nut Zippers.

So, join me won't you, for a stroll down memory lane in what is sure to be some of the most random video you'll ever see:

Happy Birthday, Megan!...

It's my beloved girlfriend's birthday today.
She likes kitties.