Helpin' Out The 'Stans...

It was sad for me to learn that tourism is in decline in many Central Asian countries, especially the ones that end in "stan". I mean, just because these are cold, gray countries utterly void of anything interesting to do doesn't mean people shouldn't visit them. Just because a few of them are run by crackpot dictators or harbor religious extremists shouldn't deter people from booking their next trip there. I think it's time to put a positive spin on these countries to generate a buzz. If I've learned anything from republicans it's that you can change people's perceptions of things simply by changing what you call them (i.e. surge rather than escalation). So I'm throwing these out there. These countries can take my suggestions or leave them. I'm only trying to help.


First, rather than Pakistan, call it "Crackistan". As I've mentioned before, I've heard that people who use crack can't seem to get enough of it. That's what you want when it comes to tourism - you want to leave them wanting more.





Similarly, Kyrgyzstan should become "Beergyzstan". Just try to drink one beer. It's impossible. Like I said, keep them wanting more. For added incentive, start pumping beer through your nation's drinking fountains. Tourism will take off like an old Russian MiG!






Despite Borat's best efforts, Kazakhstan is still having trouble enticing that elusive tourism dollar. The problems should cease once the name is changed to "Brasakhstan". Anything boob-related is bound to grab people's attention.




Uzbekistan sounds creepy, right? How about "Poohzbekistan"? Have you ever seen a character more cute and cuddly? Not to mention, with Pooh comes the awesome power of the Disney Corporation. I ask you, who knows more about luring dopey tourists than they do? Answer: Nobody.


Turkmenistan? Lame city! I'd call it Pacmanistan after today's most popular video game. As support, I'll cite the success of the Pac Man cartoon series, the song "Pac Man Fever", and Pac Man cereal. Pac Man can do for Turkmenistan what Heather Locklear does for struggling TV shows.




Now, in the case of Afghanistan, there is already some appeal. People like Afghan blankets and dogs. However, there's always room for improvement. So, why not drop the "Afgh" and just call it "Anistan". It won't be long before people start saying they like your country because it seems so down-to-earth, like the country next-door.



Oh, and before you ask, "Hey, you forgot about Tajikistan?", forget it. That country is beyond help.