10/25/2007

A Breakdown Of Ms. Spear's Latest Album...

Since I know most all of my readers are huge Britney Spears fans, I thought I'd provide a little synopsis of her latest album, Blackout, so that you all can be educated consumers. I must say, this album really shows how much Britney has matured, both vocally and lyrically. She truly is an "old soul". Here are the tracks:
  • Gimme More: A biting critique on the out-of-control greed of Halliburton and other defense contractors, Britney pulls no punches in a song that is sure to put Dick Cheney and his Chickenhawk Brigade on notice that she knows what they're up to and she don't like it, yo.
  • Piece Of Me: Britney brings it down a little with the second track. In "Piece Of Me", she describes the initial pain, but ultimate joy she experienced when she decided to donate her kidney to a homeless Laotian orphan. Have tissues handy for this one.
  • Radar: Most people like to think Britney can have any guy she wants. Not true. In "Radar" she pours her heart out about the one man she could never have - Gary Burghoff. It is a heartbreaking tale of unrequited love. Listen as she deftly works Grape Nehi and Ottumwa, Iowa into this lyrical tour-de-force. I hope you still have your tissues nearby.
  • Break The Ice: OK, enough down-tempo stuff. This track, that is sure to be a club hit, takes on the issue of global warming and the out-of-control reduction in the polar ice caps. If Al Gore got a Nobel Prize for his efforts, Britney should get at least three for this track.
  • Heaven On Earth: Here, we get a sense of Britney's spiritual side - or perhaps her lack thereof, as the case may be. In "Heaven On Earth" we see Britney shun her religious roots and embrace the idea that heaven is just a myth created by man to control the weak-minded. It is a surprising twist and one that is sure to ruffle the feathers of her more devout fans.
  • Get Naked (I Got A Plan): This track tackles the rapid growth of the Southeast Asian sex-trade industry. If your daughter is considering a future in prostitution, sit her down and have her listen to this one. It'll scare her straight, fo' sho.
  • Freakshow: Few know about the deplorable conditions and low pay that modern freaks are subjected to. Enter Britney. She has been a tireless crusader for the plight of bearded women and pinheads around the world. With any hope, this song will finally turn the tide and allow these freaks to live with some sense of dignity.
  • Toy Soldier: You'd probably think this one would be about the courage and heroism of veterans of the Iraq War. Actually, it is a song about Helmuth von Moltke, a field-marshal in the Franco-Prussian War. It's very educational and has a great beat.
  • Hot As Ice: This one is about global warming, too. It's just, like, a REALLY important issue for Britney.
  • Ooh Ooh Baby: Motherhood is something that Britney holds very sacred. This song is a sweet lullaby Britney sings to her boys each night before shedding her panties and heading out for the clubs of Sunset.
  • Perfect Lover: In "Perfect Lover", Britney revisits her childhood and reminisces about Gumby, a horse she used to ride on weekends in Louisiana. I'm not sure what the title of the song means, but hey, that's Britney. She's always been kinda cryptic.
  • Why Should I Be Sad: Britney wraps things up in a nice little package with "Why Should I Be Sad", a song about the tremendous hardship she faced when, on the morning of April 7, 2006, without any warning, she was told that her usual Starbucks was out of her favorite Caramel Frappuccino and she had to, like, drive five blocks to another one. Thankfully, they were able to accommodate her. So, the album ends on a happy note.
If you'd like to listen for yourself first, go HERE, but I'd tell you it's a waste of time. You're gonna want to buy this one for yourself immediately.

14 comments:

vikkitikkitavi said...

This is an awesome recap, Chris.

I heard there was a hidden track on the album called "Please Kill Me," in which Britney pleads, on top of a super-phat beat, for someone to kill her. No really. She really wants you to put her out of her misery, apparently.

Skylers Dad said...

Brilliant Chris!! But does the cover show any of her junk? Any at all? Come on...

cooper green said...

I guess she's singing "Ooh Ooh Baby" to those Laotian kids, since she can't get anywhere near her own.

Pavel Chekov said...

I'm so happy to see that someone has finally recognized this woman for the true artist she is. Thank you , Chris.

Tenacious S said...

Dance hall hussy or mind blowing philosopher? Can't decide.

Frank Sirmarco said...

Fuckin' brilliant!

Hot Lemon said...

I can't find any clean underwear, but that's not stopping me from loading the kids up and heading to the nearest Wallie-World for this one, specifically on your recommendation.

Spooney said...

I think it's safe to say that she is the Patty Smith of this decade.

Dick Small said...

I'll be glad when we never hear about her again. Until then, I'm waiting patiently.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This is why I keep coming back, well this and the hope that you'll toss up a photo of Meagan too. (Seriously, well done. too funny man, too funny.)

Distributorcap said...

i think "toy soldier" might win grammy record of the year.....

helmut would be proud

'Bubbles' said...

Freakshow was my fav - but the whole thing was laugh out loud great!

Doc said...

Any post with a M*A*S*H* reference in it is a great post. Glad to hear that she has the wellbeing of the world at heart.

Doc

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

You should write these reviews for Rolling Stone. Don't waste them merely in the blogosphere.