4/30/2008

Sullivan's Travels...

I'm way behind when it comes to seeing old, classic movies. Today, while home sick, I watched "Sullivan's Travels" based on a recommendation from Jeff Dowd, the guy I posted about earlier.

A lot of times humor doesn't age well, but this movie had me laughing out loud quite a bit. It does a great job of combining witty satire with gags and other physical comedy. If you're not normally into older comedies, but are willing to give one a chance, this would be a good one.

4/29/2008

I Don't Usually Rant About Stuff...

...but I don't feel like I can hold it back any longer. Let just me say, I have seen a lot of shit T.V. in my day - some of the worst shit out there - and few programs can compare to the crap-hackery of "Deal Or No Deal". It is so fucking bad. It reminds me of the type of show they'd put in '80s movies as a caricature of what the future of T.V. might look like as it continues to sink to it's lowest, dumbest, basest levels possible. Kind of like in "RoboCop" with the "I'd Buy That For A Dollar!" show or with Richard Dawson's show in "Running Man".

First of all, it's on all the fucking time. I happened upon it last night. I usually avoid it, but I was flipping around and saw the models dressed in the Princess Leia gold bikini, so I watched for a while. What's so annoying about it is that they treat it as if there's a lot of complexity to it, explaining the situation and the contestant's options every fucking time the guy picks a box. And that's all it is. Picking numbers. If you can count to 25 and have even a vague sense of probability and odds, you can go on the show, expend minimal mental energy, and walk out with more money than you had going in. I don't have any problem with people making easy money. I do have a problem with how this show insults our collective intelligence. If you took away all the deliberating and conferring and explaining and re-explaining and asking the models to "help them out", as if they have any control over what's in their box, you'd have something that could essentially be done in two minutes. It's a big fucking sham.

If you need any more convincing this show is an embarrassment, Dubya was on the fucking thing.

Documentary Film Of the Day: The Bridge...

"The Bridge" is a movie I've been putting off watching for a while because I knew it would be difficult. It's a movie about people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Just a word of warning. This movie contains actual scenes of people killing themselves. That said, it is a well-done, powerful film. We learn the back stories of a number of people who jumped during 2004 from the family and friends they left behind. There is also one person who actually survives the jump. Considering it is such sad and tragic subject matter, the film is shot beautifully.

I have only been on the Golden Gate once. It was the start of my cross-country bike ride. It really is awe-inspiring and we were there on a gorgeous day. Despite the excitement of starting the trip and the striking scenery, I distinctly remember feeling uncomfortable until I was off the bridge on the opposite side. I'm not saying it has anything to do with the fact that more suicides take place there than anywhere else in North America, but I was aware of a certain spookiness while I was there.

4/28/2008

Things I Learned This Weekend...

  • You shouldn't assume four aces is an automatic winning hand when playing poker.
  • There is another video out there that rivals "2 Girls, 1 Cup" in its disgustingness.
  • Jeremiah Wright does NOT want all white people dead.

4/25/2008

Bachelor Party...

I'm driving down to Chicago today for a bachelor party. It's for a friend of mine that I've had since grade school. Most of the people there will be my oldest and closest friends. Having missed the bachelor parties of other friends for various reasons, I'm really looking forward to it. It's so rare, now that people are married and have families, for us to get the chance to hang out sans wives, girlfriends, and kids.

It sounds like it's going to be a pretty simple affair, nothing more than a bunch of beer, grilled meats, and poker, all in one convenient location. Perfect.

I, for one, am looking forward to many deep, heartfelt discussions about what marriage means to each of us. It will be fun to sit around and reminisce about the times we used to dress up and play wedding and remember all the dreams we had as little boys of the day we would finally get to be a groom.

4/24/2008

Unto This World, An Ass Is Born...

The St. Louis Zoo welcomed a new baby to its family,
a Somali Wild Ass, a rare wild horse
and one of only 27 in captivity in the U.S.

It is not to be confused with the North American Wise Ass,
which is abundant and reproducing at an alarming rate.




Why is it when I re-read this post,
the voice in my head sounds like Jay Leno?

4/23/2008

For Splotchy...

I followed your trail of breadcrumbs and my answer is:

It is anything and everything.
It can be funny, serious, reminiscent, forward-looking, gross, political, angry, playful, or all these at once. Its only limit is your imagination.

Ultimately, I think, it is whoever you are.


The rest of you can play, too.

Lame, Annoying Things I Say, Part 8127...

Whenever it's foggy out (like this morning), I always say,
"Man, is it FROGGY outside!"



The Dude Abides...

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Jeff "The Dude" Dowd, the real-life inspiration for the iconic movie character Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski. He was giving a free talk at the local junior college. The guy has led an interesting life and had plenty of good stories, like hanging out with the Rolling Stones in Italy when he was in high school. He was an anti-war activist and a member of the Seattle Seven. Nowadays he acts as a film consultant and promoter and has been involved in films like "Hearts And Minds" and "Gandhi". He never mentioned whether or not anyone has ever peed on his rug. If someone has, he seems like the kind of guy who'd take it in stride.

4/21/2008

My Love List...

Occasionally I look back at my posts and lament how negative many of them are. I am generally a happy person with an optimistic outlook on life. After reading Samurai Frog's list of things he hates (which is excellent, by the way) I thought it was time for a list of things I love in no particular order. Here goes:
  1. Megan (who, whenever asked what I should blog about, always replies, "You could write about how much you love me." I always tell her nobody wants to read about that.)
  2. Ice-cold Cran-Raspberry Juice. I may tire of it eventually, but right now it's got its hooks in me.
  3. A lazy Sunday.
  4. My family.
  5. A well-done documentary film. Actually, I even like the poorly-done ones.
  6. Airports. People hate them, but I love them.
  7. Chicago sports (also on my hate list).
  8. A full tank of gas.
  9. A good idea.
  10. Jack's frozen mutha-fuckin' pizza.
  11. A warm breeze.
  12. Making someone laugh really hard. Nothing makes me quite as proud.
  13. Accomplishing a task that has been put off for a long time.
  14. Sunrise. I love early morning.
  15. Ice cream and candy bits mixed together.
  16. The smell of pine or cedar.
  17. Carving and painting fish decoys.
  18. Hardware stores.
  19. Wrigley Field.
  20. Getting pulled over and NOT getting a ticket. It makes me feel victorious.
  21. Live jazz.
  22. Vail, Colorado, minus all the people and development.
  23. Clipless pedals.
  24. Being barefoot.
  25. Rekindling a dying campfire.
  26. Otters
  27. Finally remembering something I'd been racking my brain about.
  28. Putting prepositions at the end of sentences even though you're not supposed to.
  29. When there isn't a line (at the bank, DMV, etc.)
  30. Fall
  31. A sunny winter day.
  32. Late spring.
  33. Lobster.
  34. Early summer.
  35. The unexpected.
  36. Having a fat wad of cash on me (I usually use a credit card).
  37. Baraka
  38. Fresh bread that's crispy outside and chewy inside.
  39. Having just enough at the end of a roll of toilet paper for one last wipe.
  40. When I know the final Jeopardy answer and none of the eggheads on the show do.
  41. Megan's crabcakes and hushpuppies. Pretty much all her cooking.
  42. Singing really loud when no one is around. And sometimes when other ARE around.
  43. Re-connecting with old friends.
  44. Crack.
  45. Heroin.
  46. PCP.
  47. Crystal Meth.
  48. Filling in lists like this with nonsense.
  49. Hitting a golf ball perfectly and watching it go really far. I could give a shit about getting it in the hole.
  50. Jesus, I got to 50 and haven't mentioned the kitties yet.
  51. Being able to use "Jesus" as I did in #50 and feeling absolutely no guilt about it.
  52. Having all my music stored in something that fits in my pocket.
  53. Pork BBQ.
  54. Canada.
  55. Kayaking.
  56. Finishing a crossword puzzle.
  57. Coffee table books.
  58. Rustic furniture.
  59. A good, cleansing poop.
  60. Flannel
  61. Making it to work without hitting a single red light.
  62. Euchre.
  63. A couch that you sink right into.
  64. Netflix.
  65. Freedom, no matter what some may tell you.
  66. Having made it this long without owning a cell phone.
  67. A bar that has a kick-ass jukebox.
  68. Mexican food.
  69. This seems like as good a place as any to stop.

Yellow Jackets Be Warned...

There aren't many things I hate. I reserve my hatred for the most vile things in our world. One of these is the yellow jacket. I did THIS POST a while back on the subject.

They have been congregating around my deck the last couple summers, annoying me and my guests with their hideous presence. I just want them all to know I will have no mercy for them this year. I am prepared to use whatever means necessary to eradicate every single fucking yellow jacket that crosses my path, even if it is nowhere near my house. I will track them down and kill them, their families, and their friends. And don't anyone give me any crap about how they're a vital part of the ecosystem and they pollinate things and blah blah blah. NO! Fuck that! The other, nicer insects will pick up whatever slack their absence causes.

These motherfuckers have messed with the wrong guy. It's open season on you bastards. Enjoy what's left of your wretched lives, because your days are numbered.

4/18/2008

Thank Heavens We Have Fox News...

They really are looking out for us.

According to this article, Barack Obama may or may not have been discreetly giving the finger to Hillary Clinton.

People, this is HUGE news! If this turns out to be true and he was indeed giving Senator Clinton "the bird", then I think it is safe to say he should not, under any circumstances, be president. I mean, I can forgive a lot, but to use this sort of disgusting profanity is something I cannot and will not tolerate. If this is not THE lead story on every network news show, it will prove once and for all that the media is controlled by godless liberal hippies.

4/17/2008

The Porn Spectrum...

Jesus. It's 4:34 PM and I still haven't posted anything. Time to do a childish Google Image Search experiment involving porn. My loyal readers know I'm fascinated by Google Image Searches.

Today's question: Which color is the most pornographic?

The criteria: I enter each of the colors of the visible spectrum, one at a time, and see on which page a porngraphic photo first appears. To be considered pornographic, the photo must contain exposed male or female sexual organs and/or a female nipple. Let's begin:
There you have it. Scientific proof that violet is the most pornographic color and yellow is just plain lame.

*Remember, image search results are constantly changing, so if you check these links and there's no porn there anymore, I'm sure you can find some somewhere else on the internets.

4/16/2008

Hipness Inquiry...

I'm just wondering.
Can I still get away with using the word
"fly"
to describe physical attractiveness?
As in: "That cheeseburger is fly!"

"Cheeseburger", in this case, is a pretty girl.
I picked that one up from Theo Huxtable.

So, is "fly" still acceptable?
If not, what should I be using?



Oh.My.God...

Like most people my age, back in the late seventies, I was all about Star Wars. The movies, the toys, the lunchboxes, and anything else they wanted to try and cram down my throat. I've always had this faint memory of a Star Wars TV show where we met Chewbacca's family, but it was so long ago, I figured maybe it was just a dream I had had (I had many Star Wars-based dreams as a kid).

Thanks to the internet, I stumbled upon the Star Wars Holiday Special. It was made before The Empire Strikes Back. Now, a lot has been made of the poor quality of the latest 3 installments of the Star Wars series, but as bad as they were, none hold a candle to this baby. Having said that, I bet I went ape-shit over this show back when it originally aired. Surprisingly, all the main actors (minus Alec Guiness) reprise their roles. We also get to see appearances by Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Jefferson Starship (I'm not kidding). I am including a link to a five-minute condensed version and one for the entire two-hour program, for those who are gluttons for punishment. Enjoy!

4/15/2008

A Quiz...

What do the following places have in common?
  • Andorra
  • Anguilla
  • Bahamas
  • Bahrain
  • Bermuda
  • Brunei
  • British Virgin Islands
  • Burundi
  • Cayman Islands
  • Kuwait
  • Monaco
  • Oman
  • Qatar
  • Saint Kitts and Nevis
  • Somalia
  • United Arab Emirates
  • Vanuatu
Highlight the blank space below with your cursor for the answer:
They do not have a personal income tax. Fuckers.

4/14/2008

Something To Look Forward To...

Just when you though he was out of our lives completely, according to THIS ARTICLE, Professor Rumsfeld has decided to bless us all with his memoir to be available in 2010. Early transcripts suggest there will be a little something for everyone:
  • The book will contain a lot of known-knowns, known-unknowns, and unknown-unknowns. Unfortunately, they edited out the part about unknown-knowns.
  • It includes lots of mouth-watering baby-flesh recipes.
  • Rumsfeld describes his own definition of torture - An unvented room and George Tenet's beer-farts.
  • A center section full of personal photos, including one of he and his fellow cabinet members engaged in a spirited game of "Weiner-Tag" in the oval office.
  • Rumsfeld boils down his secret to success to one easy-to-remember anagram: ABC - Always be cantankerous.
  • We get to find out what he's been busy with since resigning as Secretary Of Defense, namely pimping out his MySpace page and watching reruns of "Designing Women" on Lifetime. And eating babies. Rummy loves him some babies.

4/13/2008

4/11/2008

A Movie Idea (Without Any Details)...

The Micronauts Invade Playmobil Village



When I was young, I had a friend who played with Playmobil stuff. To me, Playmobil toys were like Legos, minus any discernable fun.

4/09/2008

It's That Time Of Year...

I am currently in the last throes of my winter beard. I don't know why I grow it. Probably laziness. Some day I'm gonna get serious and grow one like one of these guys:






They all look pretty happy, huh? Maybe not the guy in black & white, but the rest of them look like they're having a good time.

4/08/2008

Whoop It Up, Kansas Fans...

Enjoy your victory celebrations while you can,
because, when the dust all settles, you're gonna be met
with the harsh realization that
you still live in Kansas.




4/05/2008

Knock Knock...

-Who's there?

-Orange.

-Orange Who?

-Orange you glad this is the last post about skiing for a while?

I found this picture recently that someone had taken as we were getting ready to go out and patrol one morning. I like how BAD is capitalized. The look on my face is like, "Do I seriously have to go out in this?" There are some days on the ski patrol that are downright nasty. The worst days are the ones with like -30 windchill and blowing snow, the kind that hurts as it hits your face. Those are the days you hunker down in a warming house and do crossword puzzles and pray there aren't any calls for accidents.

Days like today make up for days like that. Today, it was clear blue sunny sky, still plenty of soft, buttery snow, and temperatures that at least felt like the sixties. There were people skiing in shorts and t-shirts. It was really excellent skiing for the first three or four hours, until it got all cut up and slushy. They were grilling outside, so I got a burger and some chips and sat out on a patio with the other patrollers, watching people ski by. It feels like I got a bit of sunburn. Also, there wasn't a single injured skier.

One of my favorite things on a sunny day with good snow is rocking out to my I-Pod as I go down the hill. At this time of year, most people are done with snow and want to do the warm weather things they haven't been able to do all winter, so crowds are usually small. Most runs are wide open. I stand at the top of the hill fast-forwarding until I find the perfect song, usually one that's fast and bouncy. I tried to keep track of what songs I would put on a skiing mix. Here are a few:

-Built For Speed - Stray Cats
-John Henry - Big Bill Broonzy
-American Music (the middle) - Violent Femmes
-Going In The Right Direction - Robert Randolph
-Do You Right - 311
-Beverly Hills - Weezer
-Greek #3 - They Might Be Giants
-Time Bomb - Old 97's
-Raw-Hide - Link Wray
-Mountain Song - Jane's Addiction
-Professor Booty - Beastie Boys
-All Down The Line - The Rolling Stones

4/04/2008

I Have No Words...

In the past, anytime I heard people rail against Hollywood (and by Hollywood, I'm talking about mainstream cinema) and how it is contributing to societal decline, I'd think to myself that they must just be prudes or hyper-sensitive. I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Some nimrod has decided that "Short Circuit" is worthy of a remake. The frustrating thing is that I KNOW there are good films being made and I have to believe there are equally good ideas begging for their chance. Unfortunately, these films never make it to theaters.

So, in order to dissuade those of you who are harboring even remote thoughts of actually plunking down money to see something like this, may I present to you El DeBarge. Maybe this video will generate some second thoughts.

4/03/2008

You Thought My Bacon Obsession Was Over...

Think again.

For those of you new to this blog, in the past I have suggesteded a number of new uses for our favorite salted pork product. They include:
Now comes the next installment. Are you ready for it?


















The Bacon Bra.

4/02/2008

Detritus...

When you include a picture with every post like I do, you inevitably find a lot of pictures that may someday make for a good post. If I see something that I think might be worthy, I grab it and save it for later. Sometimes, I end up using them, sometimes I don't. Here are a few pics that have been languishing in my blog folder for a while. They are completely random and without context, but I figured it was time to purge them. Maybe one of you can give them a good home.







4/01/2008

Just When I Thought Playtime Couldn't Get Any Better...

My Pope Innocent III action figure came (complete with scroll)!
Unfortunately, the Pope-Mobile is sold separately
and will be arriving in 4-6 weeks (batteries not included).

Once it comes, I'll finally be able to reenact
the epic battles between the Catholic church
and post-punk musicians!