8/30/2009

A Post That Is Less About Politics Than It Is About Testicles...

As those of you who follow these things know, Dick Cheney is back in the news, complaining about the current torture probe, saying that it "offended the hell out of him" that the Obama administration wasn't more grateful to previous administration for keeping the country safe.

Allow me to shift gears here for a second. I have stated very clearly, both on this blog and elsewhere, that I advocate non-violent solutions to problems. However, Mr. Cheney has made adhering to this stance challenging. I am going to float an idea that may appear to contradict my pacifist ideals. If you think I should be ashamed of myself, please express your thoughts in the comments. I'm still torn.

What I am proposing is that Dick Cheney voluntarily submit to a good, swift kick in the balls.

You think I'm joking. Hear me out:
  • To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Cheney, at his advanced age, has no further intentions of fathering children. Any damage that could be done would pose no serious health risks. I would make sure that any medical professionals he wanted on-hand would be present with buckets of ice, salves, defibrillators, and whatever else was deemed necessary.
  • As we all know, the country's economy is in the shitter. If this sort of thing were done in a public venue and offered on some sort of pay-per-view outlet, I think enough people would be interested that the revenue raised could provide every American with health care for years to come. Hell, I would pay $100 to see it, even though I don't really have it to spare. Besides this, the honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder. I can only imagine how much someone would pay for that. The point is, it would be patriotic thing for Mr. Cheney to do. A brief bout of intense pain on his part could potentially help alleviate the pain of millions.
  • Despite what he's indicating in the photo, he indeed has two balls and they're huge - a nice, big target.
  • According to YouTube and America's Funniest Home Videos, there are few things that bring people as much joy in life as seeing a guy get nailed in the nuts. I don't see this as a partisan thing. I think this is something democrats and republicans - liberals and conservatives - can get behind.
If any of you have a direct line to Mr. Cheney, please have him consider my proposal. I think if he loves this country as much as he says he does, he will understand that it is something he must do for the greater good.

12 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

Kicking is OK but how about using one of those wrecking balls that swing fron a crane? If that's excessive maybe just a simple bowling ball or a boxing kangaroo?

joe said...

Dick Cheney's testicles - now there's a disturbing mental image that'll take years of therapy to erase.
Thanks. I owe you...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think that quite ignoring anything he's ever said/done/tortured/instigated etc., etc., no one can ever debate that he is the scariest looking motherfucker ever to walk this Earth. He looks like that dubious uncle at family gatherings who no one can quite remember how he's related; the guy with the over-moist, rubber lips and pedophillic smirk, who might be asking you breathlessly about your job but really he's enjoying the results of the penis pump he's hiding in his pants and fantasizing about your 14 year old cousin.

That guy.

SkylersDad said...

I think he should get tied to a chair and have the "Casino Royal" treatment applied to his balls, since he likes torture so much.

Dale said...

Give him back his rifle, he'll shoot himself in the balls and we'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

Cooper Green said...

Nice of him to create the danger, then rescue you from it.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Cheney is a boob.

AND a ball sac.

Cora said...

"The honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder" ~ I think eBay just had an orgasm.

Jay Ferris said...

I think Leonardo DiCaprio would probably have the winning bid for such an honor.

Lostinspace said...

I think he should be subjected to a good torture "probe". Ouch!

Son of a Thomas said...

Eight years he tourtured me.

We should all get a shot.

Captain Incredible said...

It should be a nationally- no, internationally-televised event, preceded by the singing of your national anthem.

I propose a discussion, by a panel of experts, as to why Dick deserves a kicking, and the potential national (and international) ramifications of such an act on the collective psyche.

Finally, in the best traditions of Big Brother, there should be a montage of Dick's 'Best Bits', followed by the main event.

Event to be sponsored by Halliburton and televised by Fox, and co-hosted by O'Reilly, Limbaugh and Hannity, who will then compete in a dance-off to determine who'll be next.

Designated kicker: Jon Stewart

I think that covers everything...