A Post That Is Less About Politics Than It Is About Testicles...

As those of you who follow these things know, Dick Cheney is back in the news, complaining about the current torture probe, saying that it "offended the hell out of him" that the Obama administration wasn't more grateful to previous administration for keeping the country safe.

Allow me to shift gears here for a second. I have stated very clearly, both on this blog and elsewhere, that I advocate non-violent solutions to problems. However, Mr. Cheney has made adhering to this stance challenging. I am going to float an idea that may appear to contradict my pacifist ideals. If you think I should be ashamed of myself, please express your thoughts in the comments. I'm still torn.

What I am proposing is that Dick Cheney voluntarily submit to a good, swift kick in the balls.

You think I'm joking. Hear me out:

• To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Cheney, at his advanced age, has no further intentions of fathering children. Any damage that could be done would pose no serious health risks. I would make sure that any medical professionals he wanted on-hand would be present with buckets of ice, salves, defibrillators, and whatever else was deemed necessary.
• As we all know, the country's economy is in the shitter. If this sort of thing were done in a public venue and offered on some sort of pay-per-view outlet, I think enough people would be interested that the revenue raised could provide every American with health care for years to come. Hell, I would pay $100 to see it, even though I don't really have it to spare. Besides this, the honor of doing the kicking could go to the highest bidder. I can only imagine how much someone would pay for that. The point is, it would be patriotic thing for Mr. Cheney to do. A brief bout of intense pain on his part could potentially help alleviate the pain of millions.
  
• Despite what he's indicating in the photo, he indeed has two balls and they're huge - a nice, big target.
• According to YouTube and America's Funniest Home Videos, there are few things that bring people as much joy in life as seeing a guy get nailed in the nuts. I don't see this as a partisan thing. I think this is something democrats and republicans - liberals and conservatives - can get behind.

If any of you have a direct line to Mr. Cheney, please have him consider my proposal. I think if he loves this country as much as he says he does, he will understand that it is something he must do for the greater good.

My Nuts...

The other day, Megan bought a big bag of cashews and almonds. They are delicious. Unfortunately, she has a kitchen organization system that I am unfamiliar with, so if I can't find something in approximately two seconds, I ask her:

"Excuse me. Where might I find the giant sack of nuts?"

Megan replied, "Have you checked your underpants?"

As I reached down to pull the waistband away from my gut to check, it occurred to me that I'd been had. "You silly goose!" I thought to myself, "she's talking about your scrotum!" I felt like a heel.

At any rate, I eventually got my nuts, so it all worked out.


Edited to add: Someone (Beckeye) wanted to know just how big this sack of nuts was. Well, it was about YAY BIG.