@#$*! Computer!...

God, would this make me feel good!

Sorry about my absence. There are catastrophic issues
happening with my computer right now.

I feel all tense and I have a killer headache.

Maybe we should just go back to
slide rules and the abacus.

Eat shit, Mr. Gates!


Just As I Suspected...

I watched the Helvetica movie. It was excellent.

I really questioned how the director could keep me interested in such a mundane topic for 80 minutes. Surprisingly, it wasn't too tough. First, it was neat to see the degree to which we are surrounded by Helvetica each and every day. It's something most of us (i.e.: Everyone except the people in the film) take for granted. It first gained popularity during the Modernist movement and became the go-to typeface for corporations looking to establish an identity. The movie traces its history, including some examples of designers who rebelled against Helvetica.

The movie focuses on Helvetica, but is more a study of graphic design in general. I love how movies like this can expose us to quirky people who are passionate about weird things like typeface. Granted, these kinds of films are a little dry, but if you have any sort of attention span they can really be fascinating.

Moist Towelettes...

I love it when restaurants give you a moist towelette.
They smell awesome.

In fact, I think I might replace my daily shower
with a full-body moist towelette cleansing.


Color Me Horrified...

The guy I work with has, quite possibly, the WORST taste in music of anyone I've ever known. This is a guy who graduated in 1976. He grew up amid some of the best music ever, yet he regularly listens to:
  • Color Me Badd
  • Dan Fogelberg
  • Poison's "Unskinny Bop"
  • George Michael
  • Hootie & The Crappy Blowfish
  • Kenny G
  • I just heard Roxette's "Joyride" coming from his office, the one that starts "Hello, you fool, I love you."

Have I Told You How Much I Freaking Love Documentaries?...

Usually I wait until after I see documentaries before I talk about them, but this looks too good to pass up. Gary Hustwit has made a documentary about the Helvetica font (sorry, GKL. I meant typeface), the most prevalent font (typeface) in use today. How the fuck do you make an entire movie about a font (typeface)!? I, for one, am intrigued.

I have high hopes for this one. I'll tell you more after I see it.


The Magic Heart...

Seriously, I think you could remove this fucker's heart
altogether and he'd still live.

Does he really need the fucking thing?

It's not like he uses it.

Fucking cyborg motherfucker.


I Just Like Saying "Succulent"...

Someone really needs to invent a device that measures succulency. Like, last week I had some lobster that was pretty succulent, but I have no way of knowing whether it was AS succulent as the crab legs I had had the week before. With some sort of succulency meter, I could be sure that when I made a declaration like, "This is the most succulent prime rib I've ever had", I was accurately describing just how succulent the prime rib was. Without a mechanical gauge such as this, I might accidentally overstate just how succulent something is. I would hate to do that.

And We're Back...

I was going to make a joke about the large volume of penis enlargement e-mails in my inbox when I got home, but I figured, at this point, that's about as passé as a Lewinsky/cigar joke or a joke about how they really scrimp on airplane peanuts.


Is It Too Late?...

Happy Tanksgiving, one and all!

I realize it's late and no one is reading blogs right now.

I, for one, am plied with cham-pag-nee
and have a moment, so I thought I'd
give y'all my best.

Don't you hate those sappy drunks who get all
clingy and tell you how great you are and how much they love you?

Well, I do.
Deal wit it.

Megan's family wants to give me a mohawk.
Gotta go.



When people sneeze, my standard response is


What do you say?

Are you one of those fancy-pants "gesundheit" people?

Oh, still no sign of the poo smell source.
It seems to be gone.
It might have been a figment of my imagination.
Or it could be that I had inhaled some poo molecules
while walking Megan's parent's dogs and they lodged in my nostrils,
completely throwing off my sense of smell.

That would be a horrible disease, wouldn't it?
Smelling poo when there was none.

Unless, I guess, you're into that sort of thing.
Sick bastards...


Sorry 'Bout That...

I've been bad.

I think this is one of the longest stretches I've gone without posting. To be honest, it was getting really tough to write something every day. I needed a little break. Plus, I've been traveling. Friday, Megan and I drove to Chicago to catch a Saturday flight to D.C. We stayed with her sister and saw Megan's D.C. friends Sat. night. Sunday, we got up early for church, then had a late lunch with my dad and step-mom who live in Virginee. Yesterday we drove down to Megan's family's beach house on the outer banks of North Carolina. By the way, I was kidding about going to church.

We will be spending Thanksgiving here, then Friday stopping in Norfolk to see Megan's Norfolk friends, then flying back to Chicago on Saturday. So, there you have it. Plus, something smells like dog poo. I've checked the bottom of my shoes a bunch of times because the last thing I want to be doing is tracking turds all over Megan's parent's house. I'll let you know if I figure out where it's coming from. I'll try to post throughout the week.

I hope I didn't worry you all.


A Post About Barbers...

As you've probably noticed, my posts lately have sucked donkey dick. I just haven't felt creative or inspired. I got a haircut yesterday, which prompted me to remember all the people who have cut my hair over the years. Except for a brief stint in high school when I went to a unisex salon-type place, I have gotten my hair cut by barbers. I'm not guaranteeing anything funny or even mildly amusing, but who knows?
  • The first guy my mom took us to was Vince on Spring Road. I remember he had a sort of bullfighting theme going on in his shop. I had to sit on a booster so I was up high enough. He usually had a Cubs game on. I seem to remember him being a bit of a bigot. He was the master of the straight bowl cut, like the one in my avatar. You got one sucker and one Bazooka when you were done.
  • While at University of Illinois, there was only one barber shop I could find - Terry's. For my fellow U of I alums, it was right next to R & R's Sports Bar. Terry had Playboys to look at while you waited. He was also the first one to shave my neck with a straight razor and hot shaving cream.
  • During summers, I had abandoned Vince and went to Charlie. He was old as dirt, but he cut my hair really short, which I liked. Plus, he was super-nice.
  • While studying abroad my junior year, I let my hair grow out. Charlie had given me a near buzz-cut before I left, so by April I was sufficiently shaggy. We were traveling in Italy (Florence) when I got up the guts to get a haircut. I found some little shop on some side street and asked if they spoke any English. They did enough for me to explain what I wanted. They were amazing. They didn't use electric clippers, but the speed with which they used their scissors was almost equal. One of the best haircuts I ever got.
  • Between college and moving to Michigan, I went to York Barbers (Charlie had died by this time). It was an talkative Italian guy and a quiet Greek guy. The Greek guy was the better of the two, but it was all luck as far as who you ended up with. Like, if the Italian guy was free, I would never have had the nerve to tell him, "It's OK, I'll wait for the other guy." Kind of like that one Seinfeld episode.
  • After I moved here I went to Louie. He was another old-school guy. He'd do the straight razor neck shave and he'd always use some sort of old man hair tonic when he was done. One day I went over to get a haircut and he was gone. I think he died.
  • Occasionally, if I knew I was going to be in Chicago, I'd wait and get my hair cut by Tony Schwartz. His shop was right by Paulina, Lincoln, and Roscoe. He was an old guy who had cut hair in Germany for lots of politicians and entertainers. He had even cut Irving Berlin's hair. I actually got my one and only full straight razor shave from him. It is an intense experience with the hot towels and face massage and everything. It feels like he's gonna cut your face off. Every guy should get one once in their lives.


I Have No Proof, But...

Sean Hannity strikes me as the kind of guy
who probably says "irregardless" a lot.

People like that amuse me.


Like Newman said, Tuesday has no feel.



Nowhere near as good as Sunday.

Wait, let me take my pants off real quick.

Nope, still sucks.



I know Saturday is great, but for me, Sunday morning/afternoon is one of the best parts of the week. I usually get up between 8:30 and 9 AM, which for me is sleeping in. It is a time that I dedicate to relaxation and doing exactly what I feel like. If that means sitting around in my underwear under a blanket on the couch and watching worthless Sunday morning talk (The McLaughlin Group is on in the background right now) while looking at the intronets, so be it. I am committed to enjoying it guilt-free.

There wasn't much on earlier. I started watching "Hollywoodland" on cable. It looked like it could be a good movie, but I guess I just wasn't in the mood for it. Maybe some other time...

I then felt the urge to put something on the internet, so I am typing now. I now have the Packer/Viking game on, but I'm not really paying attention to it. I like the soothing sound of football play-by-play. Since I didn't really have an idea what to write about, I went and looked through the books in our little library for some inspiration.

I noticed a book someone once gave me as a gift. Unfortunately they didn't write their name in it, so I don't know who it's from. The title is "The Most Brilliant Thoughts Of All Time (In Two Lines Or Less)". I think it was one of those gifts that I thought was cool when I got it, but I never really looked at it. I decided to flip to a random page and see if there was a quote I could write about. After seeing a few of them, it was clear that calling them "The Most Brilliant" might be overstating things.

One of the quotes on the page interested me. It was by Carl Sandburg. It goes:
I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes.

It wasn't so much the quote that caught my eye, but who said it. I was familiar with Carl Sandburg. He had lived in my hometown of Elmhurst at one time. My junior high was named after him. It was the same junior high bloggers Grant, Geo, Dave, and Phil went to. I Googled it to get the picture above. I looked at the staff list to see if there were any teachers still there that I remembered. Mrs. Beck, my old social studies teacher was the only one.

Back to the quote. At first glance, it seemed to me sort of cynical. It makes it seem like the past is useless - that it has no value. I wondered if I had the whole context, so I did another search. Sure enough, there is more to it:
I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future.

In its full context, I can appreciate the quote more. I like the idea living in the here and now. I think part of the fun of these blogs is their "here-and-nowness". Even if we write about something from the past, it's something we we're thinking about now and wanting to share with others now. It's such a cool new form of prose. There are no rules. You don't have to organize things by chapters or stick to a single subject. You can write what you want when you want and it can be as long or as short as you want. It could just be a picture or some video. I could be hilarious one post and deadly serious the next. And anyone, anywhere in the world has as much access to it as any book ever published. I think that's neat.

I hope you all enjoy your Sundays. I think I'll go check what y'all are up to.


A Post Drenched In Sarcasm...

I fucking love horse race politics - the type that pervade television news these days. I love the reliance on polls and focus groups. It is critical for me to know who's in front and by what margin. I love listening to pundit prognosticators who make meaningless predictions, day after day. They talk about how if Candidate A wins in Iowa and Candidate B wins in New Hampshire, then Candidate C has no chance, but if Candidate A wins both, then there's still hope for Candidate C, unless Candidate B finishes second in both, then Candidate D will definitely win it all. It really does serve us well to know that Candidate E has a strong team working for them in South Carolina and that Candidate F is way behind in terms of fund raising. It is equally important to know that Candidate G is slipping in the polls because they announced their candidacy too late or they haven't yet connected with voters.

All this is so much better than spending time on issues - issues beyond just Iraq and health care. Specifics are lame. Concrete plans to solve complex problems put me to sleep. Politics in America should ultimately be about who has the best, most nuanced talking points. It's the only way voter's will see change, something that, luckily, every candidate happens to be offering.

It's Friday...

And I'm gonna go get a gyro.

Anyone got a problem with that?



My Most Embarrassing Post Yet...

I have watched a LOT of crap TV in my day. I was curious, though, just how much of it I had watched. I went to www.jumptheshark.com to compile my list, so if a show wasn't on there, it didn't make my list even if I watched it. I didn't include news programs and I probably omitted a bunch of cartoons I watched, too. The rule was, I had to remember watching the show at least twice. Some of these, you must understand, were not shows I normally watched, but I may have caught them a few times.

The list is an utter embarrassment, but before you make fun of me, just remember I had the balls to share this humiliating information. I'm sure there are some of you out there who could put together a list like this equally as shameful.
  • ALF
  • Alice
  • All In The Family
  • All My Children
  • Alvin And The Chipmunks
  • The Amazing Race
  • Amazing Stories
  • Amen
  • American Chopper
  • American Gladiators
  • America's Funniest Home Videos
  • America's Most Wanted
  • The Andy Griffith Show
  • Arli$$
  • Arrested Development
  • The A-Team
  • Austin Stories
  • Average Joe
  • The Bachelor
  • The Bad News Bears
  • The Banana Splits
  • Barbara Mandrell & The Mandrell Sisters
  • Barney Miller
  • The Baseball Bunch
  • Batman
  • Battle Of The Network Stars
  • Battle Of The Planets
  • Baywatch
  • Beauty And The Geek
  • Beavis & Butthead
  • The Benny Hill Show
  • The Beverly Hillbillies
  • Beverly Hills, 90210
  • Bewitched
  • Big Brother
  • Big Love
  • B.J. And The Bear
  • Blind Date
  • Blossom
  • The Bob Newhart Show
  • Boy Meets World
  • Bozo's Circus
  • The Brady Brides
  • The Brady Bunch
  • The Brady Kids
  • Buck Rogers In The 25 Century
  • Buffalo Bill
  • Buffy The Vampire Slayer
  • The Bullwinkle Show
  • California Dreams
  • Candid Camera
  • Captain Caveman And The Teen Angels
  • Captain Kangaroo
  • Card Sharks
  • The Carol Burnett Show
  • Caroline In The City
  • Cash Cab
  • Celebrity Deathmatch
  • Chappelle's Show
  • Charlie's Angels
  • CHiPs
  • Circus Of The Stars
  • Clarissa Explains It All
  • Coach
  • The Colbert Report
  • Cops
  • The Cosby Show
  • The Courtship Of Eddie's Father
  • Crank Yankers
  • The Critic
  • Crossfire
  • Curb Your Enthusiasm
  • Da Ali G Show
  • The Daily Show
  • Dallas
  • The Dating Game
  • Dawson's Creek
  • Deadliest Catch
  • Deal Or No Deal
  • Dennis The Menace
  • The Dick Van Dyke Show
  • A Different World
  • Diff'rent Strokes
  • Doogie Howser, M.D.
  • Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
  • The Drew Carey Show
  • The Dukes Of Hazzard
  • Ebert & Roeper
  • Eight Is Enough
  • The Electric Company
  • Ellen
  • Emergency!
  • Entourage
  • ER
  • Everybody Loves Raymond
  • Extreme Makeover
  • Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
  • The Facts Of Life
  • Family Feud
  • Family Guy
  • Family Ties
  • Fantasy Island
  • Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids
  • Fear Factor
  • Fifteen
  • Flight Of The Conchords
  • The Flintstones
  • Frasier
  • Freaks And Geeks
  • Friends
  • The Frugal Gourmet
  • Full House
  • Futurama
  • The George Michael Sports Machine
  • Gilligan's Island
  • Gimme A Break
  • The Godzilla Power Hour
  • The Golden Girls
  • Good Times
  • The Great Space Coaster
  • Green Acres
  • Greg The Bunny
  • Growing Pains
  • Happy Days
  • Harper Valley P.T.A.
  • Head Of The Class
  • Hello, Larry
  • Help! It's The Hair Bear Bunch
  • He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe
  • Herman's Head
  • Hey Dude!
  • Hill Street Blues
  • Hogan's Heroes
  • Hollywood Squares
  • Home Improvement
  • The Honeymooners
  • I, Claudius
  • I Dream Of Jeannie
  • In Living Color
  • The Incredible Hulk
  • Inside The Actor's Studio
  • It's Garry Shandling's Show
  • Jabberjaw
  • Jackass
  • The Jeffersons
  • Jeopardy!
  • The Jetsons
  • The Jamie Kennedy Experiment
  • Kate & Allie
  • The Kids In The Hall
  • Knight Rider
  • Kukla, Fran & Ollie
  • LA Law
  • Laguna Beach
  • The Larry Sanders Show
  • Late Night With David Letterman
  • The Late Show With David Letterman
  • Laverne & Shirley
  • Leave It To Beaver
  • Let's Make A Deal
  • Life Goes On
  • Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous
  • Little House On The Prairie
  • Lost
  • The Love Boat
  • Love, Sidney
  • Mad TV
  • Mama's Family
  • Married...With Children
  • M*A*S*H
  • Matt Houston
  • McHale's Navy
  • Melrose Place
  • Mike Hammer
  • The Misadventures Of Sheriff Lobo
  • Mister Roger's Neighborhood
  • The Monkees
  • Mork & Mindy
  • Mr. Belvedere
  • Mr. Wizard's World
  • Muppet Babies
  • The Muppet Show
  • My So-Called Life
  • My Two Dads
  • The New Yankee Workshop
  • New Zoo Revue
  • Newhart
  • The Newlywed game
  • NewsRadio
  • Night Court
  • The Odd Couple
  • The Office
  • The $1.98 Beauty Show
  • Our House
  • Parker Lewis Can't Lose
  • The Partridge Family
  • Pee-Wee's Playhouse
  • Perfect Strangers
  • Pimp My Ride
  • Popeye
  • Press Your Luck
  • The Price Is Right
  • Primetime Glick
  • Punk'd
  • Punky Brewster
  • Quantum Leap
  • Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
  • Real People
  • Real Time With Bill Maher
  • The Real World
  • Remote Control
  • Ren And Stimpy
  • Reno 911!
  • Riptide
  • Road Rules
  • Roseanne
  • Rowan & Martin's Laugh In
  • $ale Of The Century
  • Sabrina - The Teenage Witch
  • Salute Your Shorts
  • Sanford And Son
  • Saturday Night Live
  • Saved By The Bell
  • Scooby's All Star Laff-a-lympics
  • Scrubs
  • Seinfeld
  • Sesame Street
  • Sex And the City
  • Sifl & Olly
  • Silk Stalkings
  • Silver Spoons
  • The Simpsons
  • Siskel & Ebert
  • Small Wonder
  • Smurfs
  • Soap
  • The Sopranos
  • South Park
  • Sports Night
  • St. Elsewhere
  • The State
  • Step By Step
  • Survivor
  • Taxicab Confessions
  • Tenacious D
  • Tennessee Tuxedo And His Tales
  • That 70's Show
  • That's Incredible!
  • 30 Rock
  • This Old House
  • Three's Company
  • Tom And Jerry
  • The Tom Green Show
  • The Tonight Show
  • TV Nation
  • The $25,000 Pyramid
  • 24
  • 227
  • Undeclared
  • The Underdog Show
  • V
  • Viva La Bam
  • Webster
  • Weeds
  • Welcome Back, Kotter
  • What's Happening?
  • Wheel Of Fortune
  • Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
  • Who's The Boss?
  • Wings
  • WKRP In Cincinnati
  • Wonder Woman
  • The Wonder Years
  • The Woody Woodpecker Show
  • You Can't Do That On Television
  • The Young And The Restless

If You Have The Time And You Like Movies About Weird Shit...

I robbed this from The Documentary Blog. It's 46 minutes long and probably shouldn't be watched at work.

If you think I'm odd, get a load of the characters in this film. Wow.

First Snow...

Well, I'm back from my mental health day. They sure are nice. I wish I could take them all the time. I'd be the mental-healthiest motherfucker around.

I woke up to the first noticeable accumulation of snow of the season this morning. The little bit we had is melting now, but the drive into work was gorgeous, with all the trees frosted like Mini-Wheats.


Nyah Nyah...

I decided to take a mental health day today. I am currently sitting on the couch in my flannel pants watching "Price Is Right". I jokingly asked Megan if she'd make me some donuts. She is. Homemade donuts!

Ooh, the "Safecracker" game is on. Let's see if this military dude wins. Ah, nope. Tough break. The thing about this game is that the last digit is ALWAYS zero, so you really only need to guess two of the numbers in the price. It's a 50/50 shot.

It's weird. No Bob Barker. This is the first time I've seen it with Drew Carey as the host. Now Donna is playing for a new car - a Chevy Cobalt. It's the "Dice Game". She's doing well. One number left! SHE GOT IT!!!

I'm not sure how this day can get any better.


The Answer To World Peace...

Less gunfighting, more GUMfighting.

I Couldn't Help Myself...

I don't think a better picture could be found that so accurately captures the soul of a man as this one.

Since I'm bored, I decided to see what our old pal, Bill O'Reilly, was up to. As one of the most respected journalists in America today, I was sure that he was probably talking about the crisis in Pakistan or the economic consequences of the sub-prime mortgage debacle. To my surprise, he was focusing on something much more important - liberal Hollywood's assault on America and the troops. I, for one, was grateful. You can find his original "Talking Points" HERE. My comments are in bold:

Some Americans believe that pop culture has no impact on the state of the nation. They think that reporting on the media is frivolous —a complete waste of time. They are dead wrong. Just look at how the hip-hop industry has damaged so many young Americans, giving them insidious role models to glorify crime and self- destructive behavior.

If anyone knows about the hip-hop industry and culture, it's Mr. O'Reilly. Hell, he's even eaten dinner at a restaurant in, get this, Harlem! Talk about balls! And he's right. Pop culture has a HUGE impact on the state of our nation. We all know President Bush doesn't do a damn thing without first consulting his super-secret sub-cabinet made up of Paris Hilton, P. Diddy, and the cast of MTV's "The Hills".

Some very large American corporations are responsible for that corrosive entertainment, which impacts unattended children more than anyone else.

Again, dead on. I think the right approach would be to offer these giant corporations incentives in the form of tax breaks in order to coax them away from their far-left tendencies. God knows these people have a tough enough time trying to get by as it is.

And then there is the film industry, which is now actually putting American service people at risk. A vile movie called "Redacted" shows U.S. soldiers committing murder and rape in Iraq. Directed by Brian de Palma, the film is being distributed by billionaire Mark Cuban, the Dallas Internet guy.

The last thing we need, in a time of war, is people thinking they have the right to freely express themselves. Few people understand that Hollywood, not the President or Congress, has the sole power in this country to put troops in harm's way. I blame the liberal media for failing to educate people on this very important point.

It is Cuban who is the primary villain here. Most American movie theaters won't show the film, knowing it will inflame passions against our military in a time of war. But Cuban doesn't care. He financed the movie and will show it in theaters he owns. If even one American is killed because of this film, that is on Mark Cuban.

It is just a matter of time before Iraqis start venturing out to the Mark Cuban-owned theaters over there and see this pinko crap. Then they're REALLY gonna be mad at us!

And then there's Robert Redford and Tom Cruise. Their film "Lions for Lambs" opens on Friday. Some of the reviews are calling it "preachy and boring.'" We'll have a report coming up.

The consensus is that "Lions for Lambs "simply raises questions. What Redford's long history of far left activism is troubling. His Sundance cable channel routinely props up radical left stuff.

Far left activism, radical left activism, and radical far left activism should all be outlawed, especially if it is "preachy and boring".

Now, on a recent junket, Redford told the foreign press that we Americans have lost sacred freedoms. Redford is entitled to his opinion, however, foolish it may be.

America is no place for people with foolish opinions.

But he might think about what movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn wrote in 1961 during the cold war. "We should never lose sight of the fact that, no matter how entertaining a picture may be or how much money it may make, it can do our country a great deal of harm if it plays into the hands of our enemies. We have a great responsibility in this regard." Indeed.

As we all know, terrorists LOVE movies. Nothing angers terrorists more that fictionalized scenes of their fellow Muslims being tortured, not even real-life scenes of of their fellow Muslims being tortured.

Finally, I went to see a movie called "American Gangster" over the weekend because of charges it glorified a drug dealer, played by Denzel Washington. — Selling narcotics is the worst crime after murder, child abuse, and rape. It destroys people, it leads to millions of other crimes. Drug dealers are the lowest.

Some hippie liberals might try to tell you that corporate crimes and environmental crimes destroy people at a much higher rate, not to mention legalized narcotics such as alcohol and tobacco. Just remember, these people are smoking "the pot".

But "American Gangster" did not glorify the dealer, although notfor children, it is an excellent film, one that targets corruption, and demonstrates the evil of Mr. Washington's character.

Those kinds of movies, tough as they are, actually, help the United States, unlike films that actively spur anti-American hatred. All of us have a responsibility to speak out against that.

Kudos to Mr. O'Reilly for proving that it is the imaginary action in motion pictures, not the actual actions of politicians and businessmen, that is to blame for the intense hatred toward the United States from around the world. We might want to bring those warships back from the seas near Iran, park them along the beaches of Los Angeles, and see who blinks first.

Blow Giant Balloons My Ass!...

This shit never worked.
You remember, you squeezed the sticky goo on the
end of a straw and you were supposed to be able to blow up
the most majestic balloons anyone had ever seen.

That would've been true if by majestic you meant crappy.

At least you got a little contact high from the goo.

If you were not exposed to this wonderful toy, buy some HERE.

I should've been a salesman...


You Know What Really Reeks?...

Turtle Piss

So, like, if someone walks up to you carrying a cup
of some unknown liquid and is like
"Hey, do you want to smell this?",
make sure it isn't turtle piss before you do.
Trust me. You'll thank me later.

Just A Hunch...

I bet a Chocolate Slurpee would suck ass.

A Bacon Slurpee, however, would fucking rock.

I Feel Like Doing A Shitload Of Pointless Posts Today...

Those Scrubbing Bubbles used to freak my ass out as a kid.

They still make me a little uneasy. I guess I have a thing
about anthropomorphic cleaning products.

Staring At My Blog, Thinking...

Ron Glass is using every facial muscle at his disposal
in this picture to look as cheeseball-ish as he possibly can.


Another Suggestion For Hollywood...

I've noticed that Hollywood has never shied away from turning
television cartoons into live-action motion pictures.
I'm thinking of movies like The Flintstones, Scooby-Doo,
and Fat Albert. I wonder why they've never tried doing
the opposite - adapting live action television shows for the big screen,
but replacing the human actors with cartoon characters.
There are a ton of shows this could work for.
Like, how about Barney Miller?
Ron Harris (Ron Glass) could be played by:

Hair Bear

Nick Yemana (Jack Soo) could be played by:


Stan "Wojo" Wojciehowicz (Max Gail) could be played by:
Atom Ant

Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda) could be played by:

Herbert The Pervert

and Barney Miller (Hal Linden) could be played by:

Cap'n Crunch

I'm open to suggestions for who would play
Steve Landesberg's character.

Added Bonus! The theme to this show rivals the theme from The Rockford Files for the stone-grooviest TV theme ever. Enjoy!
Barney Miller Opening Theme - The funniest bloopers are right here

Documentary Film Of The Day - No End In Sight...

I have been waiting a long time for this baby to come out on DVD. When you live in an area where they only screen movies like Mr. Woodcock or Good Luck Chuck, waiting for DVD releases comes with the territory.

This one was well worth the wait. For all of you that find Michael Moore's antics a little off-putting, this film offers a very clinical, sober analysis from those who were on the inside of exactly what the mistakes were regarding the invasion of Iraq. Rather than focus on the deception and bullshit that led us into war, the movie primarily deals with the lack of planning and poor judgment that took place once we were in Iraq. The first issue discussed is the apathy on the part of the White House and Defense Dept. towards the looting and lack of security in the early days. This security vacuum was filled by the local militias.

De-Baathification was the next. By firing everyone holding a government job, from ministry officials down to schoolteachers and janitors, thousands of people were left jobless. Many of these people were Baathists out of necessity (they needed to work) rather than out of a loyalty to Saddam.

Finally, the decision to disband the Iraqi Army. According to the film, this was a decision made by a small group of people inside the Defense Dept. who had no combat training and hadn't even been to Iraq. It was a surprise to many and went against the conventional wisdom of people inside Iraq. It left tens of thousands of Shiites and Sunnis unemployed. These are the people who knew where unguarded ammunition caches were - the ones who eventually joined the insurgency, again out of necessity.

I would like to see some sort of government response to the facts presented in this movie. The fact that it will never happen should be troubling to us all. This level of incompetence continues to go unchecked and we as participants in this "democracy" should be furious.

Something I'd Like To See...

It has become pretty routine for Megan and I to watch "Jeopardy" each night at 7:30. For a trivia geek like me, I see it as a way to stay sharp. It's extremely conducive to playing along at home. I'm usually good at sports, pop culture, and geography, whereas Megan dominates when it comes to literature, history, and food-related stuff. She gets annoyed when, each time the "Daily Double" pops up, I immediately say "All of it!", no matter what the scores. I get annoyed when she doesn't phrase things in the form of a question.

As I've mentioned before, there is one glaring problem with the show - the host. Alex Trebek is a total cock who has no business hosting a show like this, let alone interacting with other people in general. The post I linked mentions the horribly uncomfortable contestant Q & A that Alex conducts in the middle of each show. The contestants write down some interesting fact or story about themselves that 99% of the time falls flat. Then, Alex makes some incredibly lame joke, adding insult to injury.

Megan and I thought it would be great if each of the contestants wrote down something really depressing, just to see Alex's reaction. I mean, as long as this portion of the show is going to be awkward, they might as well go balls out. It might go something like this:

"Say hello to Joe Smith. Joe, it says here your wife was mauled by a lion?"

"Yes, Alex. We were on a photo safari in Mozambique when our Jeep hit a rock and overturned. Unfortunately, my wife had some beef jerky in her fanny pack, so before we were able to use the tranquilizer gun, the lion had ripped into my wife's abdomen. Being so far from medical help, she died before we got to a doctor."

"Ouch! That's gotta hurt! OK, Mary Johnson from Albany, New York. Mary, you apparently have something that very few people have. What is it?"

"That's right, Alex. I have a an extremely rare glandular problem that only affects about one person in 2.5 million. As a result, I have to undergo extremely painful spinal taps each day for the rest of my life. I suffer from chronic pain that no form of medication has seemed to help."

"Spinal Tap. Great Movie. 'This one goes to eleven!' Cracks me up every time! Our returning champ, Sally Davis. Sally, your card says you have a funny story about anal rape?"

Yeah, I think you get the idea...