4/07/2010

Making Movies Doesn't Have To Be Hard...

Listen up, all you fat-cat Hollywood executives. I have something to tell you that you probably don't want to hear. It is something I've determined based on a lifetime spent observing the world of cinema. Are you sitting down? Good. Here it comes...

You are losing money.

Now, you're probably wondering what business a poor schmuck from Michigan has telling you, a guy who washes his balls with Dom Perignon, how to make money. I don't blame you. I just figure you might benefit from a fresh perspective. You all seem to think you need to pay others a lot of money to do unnecessary things like create special effects or write screenplays in order for people to want to see your movies. That is money you could keep in your pockets. Instead, you are flushing it down the toilet. You can make blockbusters without all that shit. How, you ask? Follow this simple recipe:

Take Christopher Walken,

Willem Dafoe,

Nick Nolte,

and Gary Busey.

Lock them in a cabin full of power tools and intoxicants
and let the camera roll.
Call it Four Guys Doing A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit.
Then, sit back and watch as it climbs to the
top of the box office charts.

Seriously, you would be hard-pressed to convince me
this film wouldn't shatter
any and all opening weekend records.

10 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Box office magic my friend!

sweetsinnergwen said...

You almost have it. You will need to bring in two eighteen year old coeds to kiss and lick each others breasts intermittently.

Then you'll have a blockbuster.

Some Guy said...

SSG- Your point well taken.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'd pay money for that.

They could add Lindsay Lohan, a rubber vagina, a donkey and a cactus to that mix too.

On second thoughts, drop Lohan.

Lina said...

Isn't there already a show called JACKASS??

POBOX said...

What about car chases (and flaming crashes), dudes waving big guns and bimbos tripping on crosswalk lines when chased by evil doers? Movies aren't complete w/out these.

Scope said...

I was thinking, "and a goat." but like SSG's idea better.

And it would have to be better than "Snakes On A Plane", right?

Prunella Jones said...

That is brilliant! The only things I'd add to the mix is Triumph, the Insult Dog puppet, Sarah Palin, Michael Moore, and a couple dozen cans of computer duster.

Cooper Green said...

I'm pretty sure Amy Winehouse and Courtney Love aren't doing anything. Want me to call them?

XUP said...

I'd pay 99 cents to buy that from the Previously Viewed bin at Blockbuster.