A Video Cavalcade Of Stupidity!...

So, it started with me wanting to make one of my riveting videos. It's about a make-believe towel phobia I have:



I know how much you all enjoy the outtakes, so I'm including the first take:



Then, I was interested to see the master in quarter-time:



This is some stray footage of a lame toad in our garden that was accidentally uploaded with the other shit:



There. That should keep you vultures satisfied for a little while at least.

Another Word I Like...

Gorgonzola

Although I'm torn because
I'm not sure if,
rather than pronouncing it
gor-gun-ZOH-lah,
it wouldn't sound
better as
gor-GAHN-zoh-luh.

Finally Something To Trump All The Jacko Death Coverage...

Billy Mays
Pitchman extraordinaire
July 20, 1958 - June 28, 2009
Rest in peace.

I Was Wondering If There Was A George Carlin Documentary In The Works...

As I've said many times on this blog, George Carlin was a personal hero to me. If someone were to ask me the classic question if I could invite anyone to dinner - living or dead - who would it be, he would be one of my first choices. I still love it when one of his tracks pops up in an iTunes shuffle, even though I've heard it a million times. He is another person I could listen to for hours. I did a Google search to see if there was any sort of documentary about his life being made. One of the first things to come up was this lengthy interview he gave the Archive of American Television in 2007. It is in seven parts and basically covers his life from start to finish. A lot it contains stuff he talked about in his act, but there was a lot of stuff that was new to me. I know not many of you will watch the entire thing (it's a little over 3 hours), but if you're a die-hard fan like me, you will love it. I am posting it in its entirety:

Please Ignore This Post Unless You Were A Fan Of The Chicago Bears During The 1980s...

...OR you like to watch a drunk Mike Ditka. It's nine minutes and forty-eight seconds of disheveled goodness.

Like A Pig In Shit...

For a long time I've tried to put my finger on just why it is I like documentary films so much. I think there are many reasons. For one, documentaries are all about asking questions and we all know what a big fan I am of questions. I'm also a big fan of the underdog. Documentaries often focus on underdogs - people whose voices aren't often heard in the mainstream media. The films themselves are really the underdogs of the world of cinema. There are very few docs that receive a lot of attention or make a lot of money. Documentaries have exposed me to so many new and interesting things. Like one of the women in the video says, documentaries "have the power to make you empathize with things you never really knew you could empathize with."

I recently discovered an interactive website with 163 interview clips of 38 documentary filmmakers, including some of my favorites like Errol Morris, Werner Herzog, and Albert Maysles, discussing a wide range of topics. Apparently there is also a movie - a documentary about documentaries - which is not yet available on Netflix. I know this probably isn't as interesting to all of you as it is to me, but I can listen to these people talk all day. If this sort of thing interests you as well, you'll really want to spend some time exploring this site.

She Sure Does...

This was found while doing an image search for "fish testicles", part of another post I was contemplating. It would appear this young lady does not have the same feelings towards, say, cheeseburgers.

One Of My Favorite Blogs...

In case you're one of the few people out there who still doesn't know about Sexy People, go spend some time and check it out. It's wonderful. Before you say you have too many blogs to read already, don't fear. There is nothing to read. Just wonderful pictures of everyday people like you, me, and this guy - free of commentary. Some might think it's mean, but I think it celebrates the dork in all of us. In fact, many of the pics are submitted by the subjects themselves.

Dreaming Of Cardboard...

Dreams for me are like playing a slot machine. Sometimes I pull the lever and get triple cherries. Other times, I get a seven, a kumquat, and a turd. Last night's was the latter. Now the trick will be whether I can present it in some sort of amusing way. You'll have to be the judge. I am not embellishing it in any way:

The dream started out with me walking into a big, Home Depot-type store. The name of the store was "The Cardboard Store" and was filled with nothing but shit made out of cardboard. I can even remember their corporate logo (a green square with yellow lettering that read "The Cardboard Store"). I had never been in this store before and had a list of questions about their inventory. I made my way to the customer service desk and had a seat in front of a woman who was talking on the phone. It was clear that her conversation was of a personal nature and had nothing to do with cardboard sales. I waited until she got off the phone, but once she did, she ignored me, got up and walked away.

I was starting to get a little frustrated. A line of people had formed behind me as we waited for someone to answer our questions. Eventually, a guy showed up (I'm pretty sure it was actor Idris Elba) and stood behind the desk. The girl in line behind me started to ask a question, so I turned around and gave her the stink eye. I passive-aggressively asked, "Excuse me, is there a line here?" She gave me a "fuck you" look, but shut up. Finally, Idris asked if he could help me.

"Yes, I have a list of questions regarding your product line. First, do you carry randomly-sized cardboard boxes?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"What do you mean you couldn't tell me?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"You mean you are forbidden to tell me or you don't know?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know what products you carry?"

"Not really."

"Well, it would seem to me the first thing a customer service rep should know is what sorts of products your business carries."

"Hey, what can I tell you?" he said in a dismissive way as he busied himself looking through random file cabinets only half-paying attention to me.

"Is there any way you could find out?"

"Nope."

"So am I just supposed to aimlessly wander your store looking for this product?"

"I guess so."

At this point I was starting to wake up because our pain-in-the-ass cats started making a racket, so I don't know how it would've ended. Your guess is as good as mine. The weird thing is that I never ask where stuff is when I go to stores like these. I always just wander aimlessly until I find what I'm looking for. If I can't find it, I assume they don't have it and leave.

Documentary Film Of The Day: The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On...

I found out about this one after watching THIS VIDEO in which Errol Morris describes his five favorite films (sort of). Errol Morris is one of my favorite documentary filmmakers. He may even be my favorite filmmaker, period, so when he says he likes something, you can bet I'm gonna check it out. The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On (or Yuki Yukite Shingun) follows Kenzo Okuzaki, a 62-year-old Japanese World War II veteran, activist, and former convict. He is trying to track down five fellow veterans who were involved in the execution of two Japanese soldiers at the end of the war while stationed in New Guinea. The explanation for their execution is unclear and may have involved cannibalism. His goal is to get those involved to tell the truth about what really happened so that people can learn the horrors of war in the hope that it may prevent war in the future. Kenzo often resorts to deception and odd physical violence in his interrogations, creating a lot of contradictions between what he advocates and the methods he employs. If you can handle subtitles and are in the mood for something jarringly different, this one is for you.

Netflix it HERE.
Read more HERE.

I'm Waving My Dick In The Wind...

Warning: Inappropriate language for the workplace and/or in front of children.

Covers...

I wonder why there are plenty of cover bands
but never any cover comedians.



On second thought, there is Carlos Mencia.

I Love Mowing The Lawn...

Naming Afflictions...

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS) was first referenced in the Rocky Mountain Medical Journal in 1950. However, at the time there was some debate over what to call this condition. A few of the other names suggested included:

• Cantankerous Colon Syndrome
  
• Surly Intestine Syndrome
  
• Annoyed Rectum Syndrome
  
• Quick-Tempered Anus Syndrome
  
• Easily Offended Abdomen Syndrome
  
• Ticked-Off Torso Syndrome
• Grumpy Gut Syndrome
  
• Perturbed Poop-Chute Syndrome

I've Got $0.17 In My Pocket...

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that, left to my own devices, I will blow it all in one place. To avoid that temptation, I'm going over to the bank and deposit it immediately. I've already got the deposit slip all filled out. Luckily, there's a drive-thru at my bank because I just don't have the time to find a parking spot, undo my seatbelt, get out of the car, walk inside, wait in some line, walk back to my car, put on my seatbelt, readjust my mirrors, get nervous, undo my seatbelt, get out of the car, pop the trunk and check for serial killers, close the trunk, open the door, put on my seatbelt, readjust my mirrors, and start the car. I've got shit to do.

The Rain...

The band Tones On Tail certainly isn't for everyone, but this song seemed fitting for what it's like where I am today. I don't expect many of you to watch or listen, but maybe there are some fans out there or at least people who want to expand their musical horizons. It's kinda trippy and there are naked boobies in the video. I'm not sure how they made it past the YouTube censors. Maybe it's because they're artistic boobies.

For My Canadian Readers...

I have been very vocal on this blog about my affection towards Canada. I even put it on my "Love List" right after pork bbq. I have always enjoyed my travels to your beautiful country. I am grateful to have gotten to know so many of you through this blog. So, it is out of love that I ask you:

How is it you people are still alive?

All we hear down here in Jesusland is how shoddy and antiquated your health care system is. We have been told that your standard protocol for treatment of bone fractures is immediate amputation with a rusty butter knife while anesthesia is administered with a dull hockey stick blade. As we understand it, you still haven't conquered the most rudimentary of afflictions - things like polio and athlete's foot. They tell us you still practice bloodletting for heaven's sake!

So how do you guys do it? How do you manage to type out your blogs without coating your keyboards with the phlegm and blood you are no doubt hacking up continuously throughout the day. Take your time. I know that your fingertips are covered in sores and that typing can make you winded.

The New Economy...

This photo was sent to me by blog-pal Pyzahn. I've got to say that I really appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit of this young man. How ingenious to combine the necessity of clothing with a mobile income-generator that still allows him to conduct business on his cell phone. It is this kind of industriousness that will help get our country out of the current financial crisis.

Just be sure when you go to retrieve your purchase you grab the right gumball. Well, I shouldn't say the right gumball, but rather the correct gumball.

A Post About Questions...

I love questions. I love to ask them. I love to answer them. As far as I'm concerned, the more questions, the better. Here are a few random thoughts about questions:

• If you've ever seen the show Inside The Actor's Studio, you know that there's a segment where James Lipton asks the interviewee ten questions. The first one is always "What's your favorite word?" A lot of them give lame answers like "yes" or "love" or "infarction". Okay, infarction is pretty cool, but my all-time favorite word is "question". For one, I like the way it sounds. It's a word you really have to chew when you say it - KWESS-chun. Try it. I also like the efficiency of words that are both nouns and verbs. Plus, It's got "quest" in it and quests are bitchin'.
• I disagree with the idea that there are no stupid questions, but not in the sense that certain questions are stupid based on the information they are trying to elicit. If you genuinely want to know something but aren't sure, for fuck's sake ask - no matter how obvious the answer may seem. I think the stupid questions are the ones people ask when they really don't give a shit what the answer is.
• A lot of my favorite questions start "I wonder what would happen if you...?", followed closely by ones that start "Why is it that...?"
• People who don't like questions are typically people I try to avoid.
  
• I realize that, were I a parent, I might not be as big a fan of questions as I am now. I remember riding the chairlift while ski patrolling with a little kid who asked me a question, then followed every one of my responses by asking "Why?" Must've been about twenty of them. Once it becomes clear that no matter what I say the kid will continue to ask why, I fall back on my fail-safe answer - Baby Jesus. It usually puts a stop to it.

Any questions?

Old Man River...

If you've been watching my series of "singing-in-the-car" videos, you're probably under the misconception that I don't have a very good singing voice. I made this video to dispel that ridiculous notion. As usual, Megan tried to sabotage my efforts.


Production note: Trying to come up with posts lately has been like trying to eject the most stubborn of turds. It's been a real struggle. I've really had to grit my teeth and bear down, so unfortunately for you, dear reader, whatever comes out is what you get.

Some Obscure, Borderline Non-Existent Humor For All The Paul Scofield Fans Out There...

A Man For All Seasons

A Man For One Season

I Thought This Was Appropriate For Today...

This is not safe for work and will probably upset you if you happen to be anti-choice. If you still have not spent time listening to the late Bill Hicks, please do so immediately. He was a fucking genius.

More HERE.