3/31/2010

HGTV Lies...

As some of you know, I work in the residential design business. I also watch my fair share of HGTV real estate-related reality programming - shows like My First Place, House Hunters, and Property Virgins. I watch them so frequently that I've memorized Sandra Rinomato's entire collection of ass-hugging pant-suits. I've noticed that a lot of the things the prospective home buyers are looking for on these shows do not reflect what I've seen in my practice. I'd like to take a minute and dispel a few of the myths being perpetrated by these shows:
  • Double or "Dual" Sinks: Nothing seems to get people more giddy on these shows than having two sinks in their master bathroom. I suspect there may be some collusion going on between HGTV and sink manufacturers to increase sales. The truth is most people I work with nowadays choose to forgo bathroom sinks entirely and rinse their toothbrushes in the toilet.
  • The "Open Concept": This is another popular wish-list topper. People seem to want spaces to flow into one another and have as few interior walls as possible. Bullshit. Everyone I talk to is looking for as closed-off and confining a floor plan as possible. If you want to stay ahead of the curve, know that cramped, dark, uninviting spaces without adequate ventilation are super-hot right now.
  • Hardwood Floors: Anytime someone encounters carpeting on these shows they invariably ask if there is hardwood floor beneath it. If the answer is no, they tend to weep uncontrollably. I honestly don't know where they get these people. No one wants hardwood where I live. They all want trampoline floors.
  • Granite Countertops: I actually saw an episode where a guy spontaneously ejaculated upon seeing granite countertops in one of the kitchens, despite the fact that the home he was touring had no roof and was infested with fruit flies. If you're remodeling your kitchen and you want to be on the cutting edge, mud countertops are the wave of the future. They're inexpensive and don't require constant clean-up.

9 comments:

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Great Review! I think when I build my next house I'll just go with shutters. No glass windows.....just shutters. Might be a tad cold in the Minnesota winter....but what the hell.

What do ya think?

~ Jennifer

red said...

Ha!

But seriously, my roommate loves these freaking shows and I've since become quite a fan myself. House Hunters International is the best!

SkylersDad said...

Should I pile all the rocks at the entrance of my cave or spread them around to make it look more inviting?

Flannery Alden said...

Maybe in Michigan mud counter tops are the rage, but give me hand knitted counter tops or give me death!

Scope said...

Carp! I fell for their sales job hook, line, and sinker. My place has all of that.

And you wouldn't believe how much it cost to have the ejaculating man fountain installed.

Cora said...

Trompoline floors! Ha! Reminds me of Goofy's House in Disneyland which is ENTIRELY bouncy, floor, walls, furniture and ALL. Kids were literally bouncing off the walls in that place! I even saw one kid run head first into the fireplace and bounce right back out again like a cannonball!

SOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!

Unfortunately, it's only for kids. Dammit. They don't let adults in. At all.

Not even redheaded flirty petite ones in tank tops and push-up bras who beg for it.

Bastards.

Cormac Brown said...

I watch the show just to hear Sandra say, "howww-suuess."

"If you want to stay ahead of the curve, know that cramped, dark, uninviting spaces without adequate ventilation are super-hot right now."

Yay, I'm on the vanguard! Also, we have quasi-trampoline floors, courtest of all the warping from the leaky roof.

BeckEye said...

I don't get that "open concept." That's how they do every house on Extreme Home Makeover. Sure, it looks pretty but I like WALLS.

POBOX said...

I like watching the clueless young couples. Fresh from apartment living and working in cubicles - they have dumb eyes and pretend knowledge of what a house is. Show them a pantry or bonus room they're high fiving as if they discovered Spanish gold.