10/31/2010

Happy Hallo-weeners, Everyone!...

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

10/26/2010

Family Circus vs. Hi And Lois...

I'm still having trouble swallowing the fact that they're actually making a Family Circus movie. I'm trying to think of what it might take to get me to see a movie like this. One thing that could change my mind is if the movie features a battle royale between the Family Circus family and the Hi And Lois family.  Let's take a look at the match-ups, shall we?


The first bout will finally answer the age-old question:
"Can my dad beat up your dad?"
While I think the edge goes to Bil as far
as ferocity, I think his lack of eyeballs
may prove to be his downfall.
Projected winner: Hi

Not to be confused with the cinematic duo
that drove their car off a cliff,
I think this pairing will not disappoint.
There is bound to be a lot of sweat,
minimal clothing, and tickling.
Projected winner: any male watching

Clearly, Chip has the advantage here in terms
of height, reach, and experience.
However, his pubescent urge to 
masturbate at all times makes 
him vulnerable to a sneak attack.
Projected winner: Billy

Let's face it.
Jeffy is an imbecile.
Projected winner: Ditto

Word has it Dot is planning on 
taking a dive for the Korean Mafia.
If you ask me, it's a guaranteed
one way ticket to Palookaville.
Projected "winner": Dolly

I think this one will eventually devolve 
into a stinky poop-throwing contest,
leaving the ref with no choice but to
disqualify both contestants.
Projected winner: Neither




If You Made $518.8 Million Last Year, Fuck You...

Some of you may have read THIS ARTICLE linked on Huffington Post the other day.  It provides some pretty eye-opening data regarding wages and income distribution.  I found this part of the article particularly interesting:
"The number of Americans making $50 million or more, the top income category in the data, fell from 131 in 2008 to 74 last year. But that’s only part of the story.

The average wage in this top category increased from $91.2 million in 2008 to an astonishing $518.8 million in 2009. That’s nearly $10 million in weekly pay!

You read that right. In the Great Recession year of 2009 (officially just the first half of the year), the average pay of the very highest-income Americans was more than five times their average wages and bonuses in 2008. And even though their numbers shrank by 43 percent, this group’s total compensation was 3.2 times larger in 2009 than in 2008, accounting for 0.6 percent of all pay. These 74 people made as much as the 19 million lowest-paid people in America, who constitute one in every eight workers."
I would just like to say for the record that unless you are someone who is shoveling raw shit for twelve hours a day, seven days a week,  you did not earn $518.8 million.  Not a chance in hell.  You might have made that much, but you sure as fuck didn't earn it.  It boggles the mind to think that considerable numbers of those 19 million on the bottom still want to elect people who openly (and often proudly) campaign on giving tax cuts to the top 74.

19 million vs. 74.  Can't we just bum-rush them?  I mean, fuck.

10/25/2010

I Think Yogi Bear And Chumley Had The Same Stylist...


Anything more than a hat, collar, and tie is too much.

10/23/2010

Lauren Huttonchops...

If only I had a legitimate photoshopping program
rather than just Microsoft Paint.  
I could cause all sorts of mischief.

10/19/2010

10/15/2010

I'm Still A Major Nerd...

As I mentioned in THIS POST from over two years ago, I am trying to complete my collection of the 50 state quarters.  To increase the nerdosity, I want to get each state's quarter from both mints (Philly and Denver).  I finally have at least one of each pair, but I'm still trying to fill in a few holes.  These are the ones I'm still looking for:
  • Vermont - P
  • Kentucky - P
  • Mississippi - P
  • Arkansas - D
  • Texas - D
  • Iowa - P
  • California - P
  • Nebraska - D
  • Colorado - D
  • Montana - D
  • Idaho - D
  • New Mexico - D
  • Hawaii - D
If you happen upon any of these, I'd be glad to negotiate some sort of trade.

10/12/2010

Family Circus: The Movie...


No, I am not joking.

I guess I'd be a little upset if it weren't for the fact that it's being billed as a hardcore porno.

10/11/2010

Fuck The Magic 8-Ball...

Are you tired of asking some dopey plastic ball what life has in store for you?  Don't trust your fortune-telling needs to some "toy".  If you're like me, you're way too busy to spend your time shaking an 8-ball, only to wait (and wait and wait and wait...) for the little triangle thingy to rise to the surface and reveal its answer.  You don't have time to dick around.  You need your fortune told - STAT!  Allow me to recommend the Fortune Teller Miracle Fish.  Timely, accurate fortunes for people on the go.  This little red rascal predicted the McKinley assassination AND that my cat would piss on the floor last night (like two feet away from the litter box.  Fucker.).  You've tried the rest, now buy the best.  Fortune Teller Miracle Fish.  Ask for it by name.

10/10/2010

The Real Stairway To Heaven...



 This was yesterday, a gorgeous northern Michigan fall day overlooking Lake Charlevoix.

Tune: Clarinet Marmalade, Louis Armstrong and His All-Stars

Truth Exists...

"People who suggest that there is no such thing as truth should be sentenced to death for a crime they didn't commit." -Errol Morris

"People who suggest that there is no such thing as objective truth should be sentenced to death for a crime they didn't commit." -Errol Morris (a short while later)


He's on Twitter.

(For the record, I still don't think anyone should receive a death sentence.  I just think Mr. Morris makes a good point.)

10/08/2010

A Documentary Trifecta...

I know this is the second post in a row about documentaries and that, for many of you, documentaries = boring.  It's just that I can't help but champion what I consider a genre of film that is too often overlooked.  Some of the most exciting, innovative stuff being done these days, in my opinion, is in non-fiction.  Here are three more for your Netflix queues.  Two are about corruption and one is about two guys who stalk '80s pop sensation, Tiffany.

I discovered this one thanks to Will at A Moment Of Miscellany.  It's about the art collection of Albert Barnes - a collection that is considered one of the most important and valuable in the world.  The story follows the history of the collection, Mr. Barnes intentions for what would happen to the collection after he died, and the extents to which wealthy interests in Philadelphia have gone to gain control of the collection.  I found it fascinating.  You can Netflix it HERE. (Available for instant viewing)

I'm sure a lot of you remember the name Jack Abramoff from the news a few years ago.  If you were ever confused by what exactly he did wrong, this film should help clear things up.  The film is by Oscar-winning director Alex Gibney who also made a great movie on the Enron debacle.  You'll likely come away thinking that this guy is a douchebag of the highest order, but remember that he was merely exploiting (granted, in a pretty cavalier way) a system that has existed within the government for a very long time.  You can Neflix it HERE.

This is a movie about two people - one is a 50-year-old man with Asperger's Syndrome and the other is an "intersexual" living as a female - who are obsessed with teen mall queen from the '80s, Tiffany.  It's the sort of weird, obscure subject matter that I look for in a documentary.  At 64 minutes long, it is shorter than most features.  You can Netflix it HERE. (Available for instant viewing)

10/02/2010

Documentary Film Of The Day: Sweetgrass...

This is one of the best documentaries I've seen in a while.  It's about sheep-herding in Montana.  If you get bored by movies without much dialogue, this isn't the film for you.  I loved it.  For one, the film is a visual feast.  The photography is outstanding.  There are lots of poignant little moments, too, like when one of the herders is cursing at the sheep with what I'd consider one of the most brilliant, spontaneous strings of profanity ever captured on film.  It's a real life Brokeback Mountain, but without all the wieners.  Check it out!

Netflix it HERE (Available for instant viewing.)