3/31/2010

HGTV Lies...

As some of you know, I work in the residential design business. I also watch my fair share of HGTV real estate-related reality programming - shows like My First Place, House Hunters, and Property Virgins. I watch them so frequently that I've memorized Sandra Rinomato's entire collection of ass-hugging pant-suits. I've noticed that a lot of the things the prospective home buyers are looking for on these shows do not reflect what I've seen in my practice. I'd like to take a minute and dispel a few of the myths being perpetrated by these shows:
  • Double or "Dual" Sinks: Nothing seems to get people more giddy on these shows than having two sinks in their master bathroom. I suspect there may be some collusion going on between HGTV and sink manufacturers to increase sales. The truth is most people I work with nowadays choose to forgo bathroom sinks entirely and rinse their toothbrushes in the toilet.
  • The "Open Concept": This is another popular wish-list topper. People seem to want spaces to flow into one another and have as few interior walls as possible. Bullshit. Everyone I talk to is looking for as closed-off and confining a floor plan as possible. If you want to stay ahead of the curve, know that cramped, dark, uninviting spaces without adequate ventilation are super-hot right now.
  • Hardwood Floors: Anytime someone encounters carpeting on these shows they invariably ask if there is hardwood floor beneath it. If the answer is no, they tend to weep uncontrollably. I honestly don't know where they get these people. No one wants hardwood where I live. They all want trampoline floors.
  • Granite Countertops: I actually saw an episode where a guy spontaneously ejaculated upon seeing granite countertops in one of the kitchens, despite the fact that the home he was touring had no roof and was infested with fruit flies. If you're remodeling your kitchen and you want to be on the cutting edge, mud countertops are the wave of the future. They're inexpensive and don't require constant clean-up.

3/22/2010

It Was Just As Glenn Beck Prophesied...

I know. I was as surprised as anyone.

After watching Congress vote to enact sweeping health care reform the night before, I was awoken this morning to the sound of a squadron of Commu-Nazi soldiers breaking down my front door. They grabbed me out of bed, threw me in the backseat of an electric car, and took me to the nearest abortion clinic. It didn't matter how much I tried to explain that I was a man and thus unable to conceive a child. When they finally determined that I wasn't pregnant, they figured they had me there and might as well remove something, so they took out my pancreas and sold it to an ACORN employee for a pack of menthol cigarettes.

Just like Glenn and his "Chalkboard of Freedom" said they would.

3/21/2010

Shit I Love...


  1. Laughing my ass off. I have three different laughs. My favorite (and the least common) is uncontrollable laughter; the side-splitting kind where I have trouble breathing and my eyes tear up. Those of you who have watched my dorky videos are familiar with it. It's hard to know what will trigger it. Usually something really juvenile. The second laugh is my normal laugh. This is the most common laugh. I laugh like this throughout the day at various things I see or hear or read. The third is my least favorite - the courtesy laugh. When someone makes the effort and they're not a jerk and the situation calls for it, I'll reluctantly use it. I try to keep it to a minimum.
  2. Watching Movies. I know I talk a lot about documentaries and they do dominate my Netflix queue, but I also watch a bunch of great narrative films, too. My list continues to grow. Every time I watch something, I think of ten more movies I still want to see. I don't really care when, where, or by whom the film was made. I like all sorts of stuff. I try to watch a movie I haven't seen every day.
  3. Jeopardy! Most of you know about this. It is a six-day-a-week ritual and has been for most of my adult life. It's a show that lends itself to being played at home. As much as I'd love to be on the show, I know from my at-home experience that there would be at least a question or two that I would completely bomb and give some embarrassingly stupid answer for. As much as I love the show, the day Trebek announces his retirement will not be a sad one for me.
  4. Downhill Skiing. Yesterday was my last day of skiing for the season. It happened to be the big St. Patty's/Mardi Gras/Hurry Up And Have A Party Before All The Snow Melts Party. It was a beautiful sunny day. I saw a few yahoos skiing in shorts. Even with a mass of extremely drunk people, there wasn't a single accident. I think it was a first. It was a good season with a lot of early snow that carried us through an extended dry spell. I love the combination of speed, motion, and winter weather when it comes to skiing. I'm glad I get to do it as much as I do.

3/15/2010

Ways I Annoy The Shit Out Of My Fiancé, Part 2 (Which Rhymes With Poo)...

Sometimes, Megan will tell me she's going to the store and ask me if there's anything special I'd like for dinner. Ever since we went to Hawaii, my answer is always the same thing - pupus (pronounced poo-poos). It's become a reflex. Then I go into a lengthy explanation about how much I love eating pupus and how delicious pupus are. I tell her how the only place I want pupus is in my mouth. It's around this time that she gives me a look that is part revulsion, part pity and I think to myself, "Jeez, don't get mad at me! Pupus are legitimate food items. It's not my fault Hawaiians name their food after excrement."

3/12/2010

Pure Video Magic...

I grabbed this off a Facebook post. There truly is no end to the amount of cringe-worthy videos available on the internet. This may be old, but I'd never seen it.

3/11/2010

A Cursing Question...

Why do we always hear about the sons of bitches, but never their daughters? Is there something in the bitch DNA that prevents them from having female offspring?

And what about fatherfuckers? Surely there must be a few of them out there. If you know one, have them get in touch with me. I want to make sure they get the publicity they deserve.

3/07/2010

So I Gave The Whole "Chatroulette" Thing A Spin...

Chatroulette, it seems, is a lot like life.

No matter what you do, chances are
you're gonna encounter a few dicks.

3/04/2010

Documentary Film Of The Day: We Live In Public...

I usually don't do these posts back-to-back, but in the spirit of strange people doing strange, creative new things, here is another one to check out. It's the story of Josh Harris, an eccentric, relatively unknown pioneer of the internet. I could relate to this movie on a certain level thanks to my experience with blogging and sharing videos. Interesting stuff!

Netflix it HERE.

3/03/2010

Documentary Film Of The Day: Czech Dream...

Why is this angry Czech mob chasing these two guys in suits? Watch this movie and find out. It's the kind of crazy shit I like!

Netflix or Instant View it HERE.

3/02/2010

You Knew I Couldn't Resist, Right?...

video

I remain captivated by THIS.
I have been watching it more than I care to admit.

Edited to add: Megan just watched this for the first time. She made it about halfway through before she asked, "Do I have to watch this whole thing? This is upsetting." She wondered whether it was smart to let other people see me like this. I have to admit, it is pretty terrible, even by this blog's standards.

More OK Go Wonderfulness...



This might be their best one yet!