Since I know there are tons of kids that read this blog, I'm going to impart some knowledge that's essential whether you're just starting kindergarten or a hungover college senior. Listen closely and remain seated until I say you're dismissed:
- If you're having trouble with a bully trying to steal your lunch, just tell them, "You're gonna love my mom's (or dad's) famous shit sandwich and booger pie. I had plenty for breakfast, so it's all yours. Enjoy it!" That should be the last time they try to hit you up. If the problem persist, tell on them. Tattletales are heroes at most schools.
- Teachers are notorious liars. They'll try to feed you a bunch of crap about how 2+2=4 and that reading is fun. Don't believe a word of it. Most teachers are communist operatives.
- This is for the smaller-than-average kids - the runts. If you find yourself in the middle of a dodgeball game and things start getting scary, cower in the corner and pee in your pants. They probably won't make you play anymore.
- If you don't like your bus driver, tell your parents that he or she was passing around a bottle that said "Jim Beam" on it and that they told you it was "Happy Juice". The key is to get a bunch of kids to do this or else everyone will think you're just making it up. Remember, power in numbers. They'll be fired in no time.
- Kiss the teacher's ass as much as possible. Face it, you aren't that smart. You're gonna need all the help you can get. You want to get into college, don't you? The first thing colleges look at is how you did in grade school. Tell them they're pretty/handsome. Teachers are also very superficial. A below-average student with a silver tongue is as good as an above-average student.
- Above all else, have fun! Schools are magical places full of candy and toys! Trust me!